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Practicing radical acceptance

9/24/2019

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In my last post I talked about practicing radical acceptance to help build resilience and manage during challenging life situations.  I’d like to share some strategies to help put that concept into practice.  
You CAN approach difficult life experiences in a way that reduces stress, strengthens resilience, and empowers you!
Practicing radical acceptance when faced with a difficult life situation is a skill that requires practice. And luckily, life gives us lots of opportunities to do just that.  
​The goal is to feel your feelings, while also accepting the situation as it is.  Remember, we don’t have to like it or want it to be happening. But we can choose to accept it, instead of resisting, which ultimately does not work and only depletes your energy and making you more miserable than you were initially.
It’s basically like saying, “okay, this is the situation.  And this is how I feel about it.  And now can I just relax and let it be here...just for now?”
​Let’s use as an example a pretty common one: you are unhappy in your current job, but are unable, for financial reasons, to leave that situation.   
You have a choice in how you navigate this experience. ​
​You can complain about it to anyone who will listen, telling them just how much you hate it, all the while constantly reminding yourself of the same thing, “I hate this, it’s not fair that other people like their job and I don’t!” (in essence, resisting what is)
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Instead of focusing on aspects you don’t like, ones that bother you, you can choose to practice radical acceptance, which makes way for problem-solving.  Instead of giving all​ that energy to the emotions associated with your resistance towards the situation, you can switch gears and put that energy into planning mode instead.  
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You can accept that this is your reality, not forever, but for now​.  And you can commit to making the most of it! ​
​Before switching to any kind of problem-solving, it’s important to honor your feelings and recognize what you can and cannot control.  Remember, we are often not able to change a situation and at those times, the only control we have is in being able to choose how we will respond.
​So, how do we do it?
  • When you find yourself reacting to a situation, take a mindful, in-the-moment pause.  Take a few deep breaths and “check in” by exploring the situation from a conscious, grounded place.
Tune in to your thoughts, asking, “what are my thoughts saying about this?”  If they are upsetting or uncomfortable, try putting a bit of distance between you and the thoughts.  A simple ACT strategy that loosens the mind’s grip on accepting every thought we have as fact is to say to yourself (internally – or externally, if you like), “I’m having the thought that….”.  ​
For example, “I’m having the thought that I really hate my job and wish I didn’t have to work there anymore.”  You can even give a little more distance by saying “I notice that I’m having the thought that I hate my job…” 

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Can you see how that little bit of space defuses the emotion related to the situation and brings up less stress than continuing with, “I really hate my job and wish I didn’t have to work there anymore!”?  
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  • ​​You can also check in to see if you are experiencing a “mind trap” (i.e. making an assumption, taking things personally, buying in to black-and-white thinking, etc.)  It’s helpful to challenge this type of thinking and look for evidence to the contrary.
  • Check in on what emotions are coming up.  “Does this remind me of other situations in the past? Can I take a breath and let those emotions pass on through without holding on to them or letting them take me over?” 
  • Ask yourself, “Am I able to acknowledge what I can and cannot control in this situation and focus on what is within my control, while accepting what is not?”
There is also an ACT Choice Point exercise that I’ve found to be so helpful in challenging conditioned responses.  I ask, “Does allowing myself to really buy in to this thought or belief, even if I truly think it is true, take me towards the experience I ideally want to have or away from it?  Do I really want to buy into the story that’s playing in my mind or do I want to challenge it?  Can I reframe this or see a different perspective?” ​
I have used expressive journaling for many years and 3 years ago made it a regular and ongoing practice.  It is so helpful in exploring such aspects of life as core beliefs, conditioned responses, and associated behaviors.   I’ve been able to notice patterns and make more conscious choices based on them.  It is a perfect way to reflect back on our reactions and learn what we could potentially do differently next time. ​
​A helpful philosophy to keep in mind related to practicing radical acceptance is this: “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” Choosing to practice acceptance, in the moment, even in situations we do not like, essentially removes the suffering. ​
There are going to be times when we react in an unconscious, habitual manner, rather than responding from a tuned-in, conscious place.  But the important thing in the end is this: did you take a bit of time to process and learn whatever lesson was attached to the experience in order to be able to learn and grow from it?  Don’t worry, if you feel like you didn’t handle a challenging situation as well as you would have liked, there’s always next time 😊
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Resilience is strengthened when we’ve been able to triumph over a difficult experience.  Each time, new insights are gained, and we develop healthier and more effective approaches.  Keep in mind, changing our relationship to the challenging situations we encounter takes practice, so also practice self-compassion, knowing that we are all human, and by no means perfect.  
Learn More about a unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality

Author

​Learn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator

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​Accept, Adapt, Move Forward – Developing Resilience

9/23/2019

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I’ve worked with the concept of resilience for many years now and lately I realized that I often used the phrase “bouncing back” to describe what happens after experiencing a challenging situation. 

But now, my thinking on the topic has shifted.  We don’t “bounce back” from adversity, struggles, or difficult situations.  “Bounce back” carries a certain connotation that a person returns to where they were – back to being exactly who and how they were before whatever incident it was knocked them sideways and in some cases, may have taken them to their knees.  But, that’s just not accurate because every situation we experience, especially the challenging ones, have a direct impact on us and change us at a core level. 


Resilience isn’t something we’re born with and developing it does not mean that we are no longer going to experience challenging, and at times core-shaking, situations.  What it does mean is that we can mindfully hold a space to process what is happening, draw on our inner strength that has developed from navigating difficult experiences in the past, and remind ourselves that “this too shall pass”.   
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What has helped me hold on during times such as these is developing a practice of Radical Acceptance.  In the book Radical Acceptance – Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha, by Tara Brach, she writes, “Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening, or intense.  It is the necessary antidote of years of neglecting ourselves, years of rejecting this moment’s experience.  Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is.  A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom”.

Now this does not mean that because we are accepting the reality of our circumstances, we intentionally stay stuck in situations that are difficult.  It does not mean that we choose not to strive for better in our lives.  It does not mean that we passively accept things that make us unhappy or unfulfilled, and give up our power. 

It simply means that, in the moment, we breathe and accept the reality of what is – that we understand that we don’t always see the big picture and that perhaps this very difficult situation is a necessary lesson to propel us further along in our quest to grow, evolve, and create our ideal life. 

As humans, we love to label situations as “positive or negative”, “good or bad”.  But, ironically we never know if a positive situation will somehow lead to negative consequences or alternatively, that a situation that seems challenging and difficult is not actually a blessing in disguise.  If we can choose to lose those misleading labels and consider circumstances as just that, we can take all that emotional energy we’re investing in fighting against or resisting the situation and put it towards taking positive action and developing a growth mindset.  Basically, we accept it while we’re “growing through it”.

You may be thinking, “well, that’s easier said than done!”  And it’s true, it’s not easy to shift our thinking in this way because our deeply unconscious belief system and lightning-quick thought processes are dictating our perception and interpretation of what is happening.  Our brains are programmed to look for things that will hurt us and focus on them.  But the goal in self-work is to learn to catch those conditioned impulses and reactions, take a mindful pause and then respond, from a more conscious place, rather than reacting in a habitual way that often causes more stress, pain, and problems than were already attached to the initial situation!

So the next time you hear yourself saying some version of, “but this isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to be going through this. I hate this!”, remember to pause, take a deep breath, and harness all the energy that is being directed at what it is you are resisting. 

At that point you can use that energy as a launching pad to propel you forward into problem-solving or taking action to address your concern.  Of course, it takes practice to develop this approach, but I’ll leave you with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Want to work on developed Radical Acceptance?  Visit Homepage for more information on my unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality.

Author

​Learn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator

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The W-curve of change

9/13/2019

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​Are you a parent/supporter of a student who is in the midst of transitioning from high school into a post-secondary program?  Have you both been freaking out just a little?  It’s completely understandable – so natural in fact that there is a theory to explain the emotional impact of this stage that is so significant to both students and their parents/supporters!

The W-curve, which has five stages, outlines what can be a pretty tumultuous process for all involved when someone enters into a new environment and faces the challenge of change.  
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This new phase of life can present a whole bunch of challenges and roadblocks to navigate.  It can be a bit confusing because this is a positive change, right?  The brain can’t distinguish between positive and negative at this point.  It just sees change and change is scary.

Initially, parents/supporters and students may enter into the honeymoon stage, which is just what you would expect from the name.  Everything is new and exciting – filled with potential.  It’s easy for students to get caught up in the hype and energy of orientation events, the prospect of new friends and new freedoms.  It’s all so awesome! 

And then, “real life” sinks in and that excitement can be quick to fade.  Students start to realize that the supports they counted on over the past number of years may not be quite so available to them.  Everything is “different” and it’s not going back to “normal”.  This realization can bring along with it a feeling of homesickness – even for those still living at home.  Pressure can start building because things just aren’t the same.

But then, things tend to hit an upswing as students settle into their new normal and see some successes.  They have an opportunity to face situations where they can effectively plan and problem solve, which helps to build their confidence that they can tackle this new situation.  In short, they experience an adjustment period. 

Following that, however, students can feel a little disjointed and may question where they fit.  They may feel like they’re on a roller-coaster, trying to navigate everything that’s coming their way.  They may feel distance from friends and family and start questioning if they are on the right track in doing what they’re doing.  A need for independence can cause internal conflict with also wanting support and reassurance.

Finally, with a bit of time, students start to settle into a flow.  They know what to expect and have become more involved and/or connected to their new school.  They are more confident in their choices and accepting of this new phase in life.
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Some tips for parents/supporters:
  • Encourage independent action and problem solving, while also offering support and encouragement
  • Understand that the students in your life are going to experience up’s and down’s and it is completely natural and normal – reassure your students of this as well
  • Enjoy your own freedom!  This is a change for you too – practice some self-compassion and use this time to develop even more of your own interests!

Learn More about a unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality

Author

Learn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator

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    Author

    Bobbi Beuree, Certified CAN  Coach + Facilitator is located in Halifax, NS, and provides interactive 1:1 coaching services, as well as corporate workshops.

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    Blog list:

    We Create Our Experiences in Our Mind
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    Childhood Conditioning + Emotional Programming
    The Suffering of Worry
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    "Not Good Enough"...
    Embracing Life's Challenges
    Why Are We Afraid to Hope?
    Loss + Grief Through the Lens of Mindset
    Choosing to Stop the Struggle
    Are Anticipation and Anxiety the Same Thing?
    Radical Acceptance in the Face of Uncertainty
    The Myth of Self-Sabotage
    Roots to Blooms and Everything in Between
    Wake Up to Who You Truly Are
    Emotions, Mortality, and Connecting More Deeply
    Is Your Thinking Holding You Back?
    We Create Our Own Stress
    Practicing Radical Acceptance
    Accept, Adapt, Move Forward - Developing Resilience
    The W-Curve of Change
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Copyright © 2019-2023 Bobbi Beuree, East Coast Coaching & Consulting. All Rights Reserved ​
  • Home
  • About
  • Connect
  • Blog
    • Mindset Monday video series
  • Why Coaching?
  • Key Topics
    • Stress Management
    • Practicing Healthy Self-Care
    • Dealing with Difficult Emotions
    • Thinking Traps and Limiting Beliefs
    • Procrastination and Lack of Motivation
    • Gaining Control Over Habits
    • Life Direction
    • Mindfulness
    • Emotional Intelligence
    • Self-Management
    • Interpersonal Relationships
    • Anxiety
    • Perfectionism
    • Self-Esteem + Self-Confidence