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childhood conditioning + Emotional Programming

2/24/2022

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In my Coaching Program, Getting Real: Discovering the True You, I guide people in exploring their experience of childhood conditioning and programming.
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As I’ve explored my own childhood experience over the years, I can relate to feeling guilty around making connections or starting to see things from a different perspective.

Like me, you may feel, or even be told by others, that you’re trying to blame other people (specifically your caregivers) for your "problems". 
Your adult, rational, present-moment mind will make all kinds of logical statements:
  • “I had everything I needed – it’s not like I was mistreated!”
  • “I had a happy childhood – there’s no connection to why I’m struggling now.”
  • “It was so long ago I barely even remember my childhood.”​
  • “Get over it – stop living in the past!”
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​Exploring your upbringing and earliest experience of life is not, in any way, meant to blame, shame, or point fingers at the people who raised you. Just as each of us is doing the best we can in this moment, with the level of self-awareness and emotional well-being we have, so were they. 
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​We can love, honor, and appreciate our caregivers, being respectful of their experiences. But we also owe it to ourselves to honor our earliest experiences by uncovering beliefs that no longer serve who we are today. 
We don’t have to blame the past in order to heal the old emotional wounds that occurred there. 
​By building our level of insight into the programming of our past, it opens up the opportunity for emotional healing in the present-moment.
We explore childhood conditioning to understand the wiring that took place back then that is dictating your current life experience.
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So, instead of causing resentment and judgment, it actually has the potential to raise our level of self-compassion and empathy for others.
​Our core beliefs formed in childhood. When we think of beliefs, it's often the conscious ones that come to mind, like, “I believe in God” or “I believe that people should be good to one another”.

They make up a tiny percentage of our overall beliefs. Much deeper are the subconscious beliefs that dictate how you see yourself and interpret what happens around you – beliefs that are basically creating your reality. 
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​You don’t remember it now, but in your earliest years, based on what was happening around you, you decided who you were and what you were like, what you were capable and not capable of.

​You decided what parts of you were acceptable and which parts should be hidden away so that you would be loved + accepted by those around you. 

You decided what you could expect from other people and from life in general.
You internalized all the messaging (verbal, non-verbal, energetic) and turned it all into a story, a type of "Life Script", that helped you make sense of the world and stay safe within it.
​The problem with the story we wrote is that it was based on faulty information. We were trying to learn to navigate the world; we needed to figure out where we fit. Along with what was said to us directly, through verbal messaging, we also interpreted everything we saw and heard. 

Our mind told stories and connected dots that were often just not true.
​Your child-mind was in programming mode, with a brainwave pattern that allowed information to be "downloaded". As children, we are sponges. We are self-involved. We have to be.

​We relate everything back to ourselves – "what does this mean for and about ME?” Every experience was filtered through that lens and conclusions were reached that were often inaccurate and painful.
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​For most people, that programming from childhood is still running the show today. From a deeply unconscious place.
​Our emotional programming was in place by the age of seven. Is it any wonder that adults still have temper tantrums? When that happens, we’re truly operating from the perspective of a young child. Our subconscious wiring has caused us to become emotionally dysregulated.
​Your emotional programming determines how you feel about, express, process, and experience emotions. In childhood, you watched how important adults to you handled their emotions. You grew to understand which emotions were okay to have and express, and which ones weren’t okay.
​You also decided how you FELT about emotions in general. Were they something to avoid, did they mean you were weak or needy? Did you believe you were you responsible for how others felt? Were emotions embraced, accepted, and openly discussed?

​It’s the blueprint you would have taken on as a “how-to” when it comes to emotions.
​If I had to guess, I would say that, like me, your “how-to” blueprint stopped working for you a long time ago. By doing self-work, you can uncover the subconscious wiring + programming you have around emotions. And by working with your emotional triggers (we all have them – big + small!) you can make the switch from habitually reacting to your emotions to intentionally responding to what is happening in the present-moment.
Learn More about a unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality

Author

Learn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator

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The suffering of worry

2/9/2022

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How often do you feel like life is happening to you and you're just along for the ride? For many people, it's all the time.

But even though it feels that way, the truth is that we are creating our life, moment by moment, as we interpret what's happening around and to us.

​We're often not aware of the things we're doing that increase worry and anxiety. Habitually and consistently watching the news or mindlessly scrolling social media, for example, takes a toll on us, whether we realize it or not. 
​​The more we focus on scary or upsetting things that are beyond our control, it just makes sense that we will feel more anxious. It can make us feel powerless and it puts our nervous system on high alert. It then gets stuck there as worried thinking takes over.
If you have a tendency to worry, have you questioned why you do it, even though you know, deep down, it's not helpful? Simply speaking, it is a habit you have fallen into. And one that your mind fights to maintain.
​Initially, worry was something your mind started doing to try to help you feel more in control and to ease your emotional discomfort. Even if, over time, worry has caused suffering for you, the mind's initial intention was to be helpful and protective.
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It took on the job of planning, plotting things out, imagining worst-case scenarios – always wanting to feel prepared for what may come. It is constantly looking for a sense of safety, and sometimes worrying meets that need. 
​You’ve given your mind something to do – to dwell and guess what comes next. But your mind can’t figure things out – that’s not possible. The mind is simply pulling from what it knows, what it has conditioned and programmed into it, and adding on some of what is actually going on. It will then start making up stories about what the future holds.
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​When we believe the stories of our mind when it’s in worry-mode, it can be exhausting. At these times, it’s important to know that thinking is happening TO  you.

​Your conscious, rational mind is off-line and old, repetitive messages are coming up through your subconscious mind. It sounds like your voice, and you likely believe it is “you”. 
But that would be like saying you are intentionally beating your heart, digesting your food, or healing the cut on your hand. All these things are happening to you, but it’s not because you’re intentionally directing them.
​It is the exact same thing with worried thinking. It is happening TO you in that it is not a conscious choice.
​We cause suffering for ourselves when we allow our habit of worry to go unchecked. We rob ourselves of the peace that actually exists in the present moment. And we live out our worst fears in our minds, causing us to experience the very thing we’re worried about, or even terrified of, experiencing. 
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​When we are running a “worry-program”, it might sound something like this: “what if gas prices keep going up and I can’t afford it? With my luck, my car will break down” or “if this happens, then I’ll do this, which means this will happen….” And on and on.

​The mind is trying to be helpful, but we are allowing ourselves to remain on high alert when we do not learn to take control of what happening inside of us.
​Worry can range from feeling uncomfortable to being debilitating. If you allow yourself to stay in a state of stress, with stress hormones pumping through your body, it negatively impacts every system that is vital to your health and well-being.
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​And beyond that, you can’t feel love, joy, or a healthy connection with others when your mind is in survival mode. It’s just not possible.
​People often say that they know it’s not helpful to worry but that they can’t stop. You can! It’s a choice. But that’s not to say it’s not a difficult habit to break. You are pulling away a barrier, a defense mechanism you have likely used for a long time to cope with uncomfortable feelings. 
Ask yourself, “do I want to continue to let my nervous system be negatively impacted in this way?” When your body is in stress-mode (which is what is happening when you worry), you remain in survival mode. Your body is on high alert, meaning it is unable to move to “Rest + Digest” mode or do all the things that keep us healthy.
​What can you do when you notice yourself falling into worry? First, try to acknowledge that it is your mind doing what a mind does. Remind yourself that it can't figure out the future. It will just tell scary stories in an effort to prepare you for the worst. ​
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Along with seeing it on a conscious level, work with what you're feeling in your body. That is where your real power is.

Breathe. Practice grounding yourself by planting your feet on the floor (or adapting to what's possible for you, which could be feeling your back against the chair or even visualizing tree roots extending from the bottoms of your feet).
Getting caught up in a cycle of worry keeps us trapped in survival mode and limits our ability to experience positive emotions, like joy, hopefulness, confidence, enthusiasm, and more.
Worry is not who you are - it is just a habit that keeps you stuck. You CAN make changes that will allow you to feel more peace of mind and a heightened sense of wellbeing!
Learn More about a unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality

Author

Learn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator

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    Author

    Bobbi Beuree, Certified CAN  Coach + Facilitator is located in Halifax, NS, and provides interactive 1:1 coaching services, as well as corporate workshops.

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    Blog list:

    We Create Our Experiences in Our Mind
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    Changing Your Perspective on Difficult Emotions
    Childhood Conditioning + Emotional Programming
    The Suffering of Worry
    The Trap of Being Future-Focused
    "Not Good Enough"...
    Embracing Life's Challenges
    Why Are We Afraid to Hope?
    Loss + Grief Through the Lens of Mindset
    Choosing to Stop the Struggle
    Are Anticipation and Anxiety the Same Thing?
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    The Myth of Self-Sabotage
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    Emotions, Mortality, and Connecting More Deeply
    Is Your Thinking Holding You Back?
    We Create Our Own Stress
    Practicing Radical Acceptance
    Accept, Adapt, Move Forward - Developing Resilience
    The W-Curve of Change
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Copyright © 2019-2023 Bobbi Beuree, East Coast Coaching & Consulting. All Rights Reserved ​
  • Home
  • About
  • Connect
  • Blog
    • Mindset Monday video series
  • Why Coaching?
  • Key Topics
    • Stress Management
    • Practicing Healthy Self-Care
    • Dealing with Difficult Emotions
    • Thinking Traps and Limiting Beliefs
    • Procrastination and Lack of Motivation
    • Gaining Control Over Habits
    • Life Direction
    • Mindfulness
    • Emotional Intelligence
    • Self-Management
    • Interpersonal Relationships
    • Anxiety
    • Perfectionism
    • Self-Esteem + Self-Confidence