choosing to stop the struggle

​How often do we resist our reality – what we’re experiencing on a day-to-day basis?  The simple answer – pretty much non-stop.

Whether it’s a challenging life situation or something as trivial as the car ahead of us going slower than the speed limit, or plans with a friend being postponed, we tend to resist things that do not perfectly align with how we expect them to be. 

​And in this way, we set ourselves up to struggle and suffer.

​One of the biggest contributing factors to people’s unhappiness is the fact that we believe we should always be “happy”.  I think we have all fallen into that trap in our lives.  And when we’re coming from that mindset, believing that every emotion other than happiness is unacceptable, we are going to suffer.  ​

This is because we have attached a concept to “happy” that is dependent on things going a particular way.  And we all know that, in life,  things don’t always go as planned.  ​

​​If we're not feeling happy, we think that something is wrong – either with what we’re experiencing or with us, directly.

We get the message, over and over again – “be happy!”  We even ask ourselves the same question: “What’s wrong with me? I should be happy!” We feel like we can’t be happy until things in our external environment line up with how we believe they should be.

​The story is different for everyone, but may sound something like:

• “I’ll be happy when I’m in the right relationship.”
• “I’d be happy if I could afford to take more vacations.”
• “I will be happy when I retire and can really enjoy my life.”
• Or even, "I'll be happy if it's sunny tomorrow!"

Sometimes we just don’t feel happy.  That’s 100% normal and natural and is ultimately not the problem.  

The problem is that we resist experiencing anything else. 

We aren’t meant to feel happy all the time.  But when difficult emotions come up, they tend to trigger thoughts around, “why aren’t I happy?”

​  This then becomes an invitation to your mind to start listing off possible reasons – “maybe it’s because you need to lose weight; maybe it’s because you know you’re always going to be alone.” ​

Your brain is not trying to torture you; it’s truly trying to be helpful. 

It is trying to save you from experiencing pain or harm and buys into the belief that we shouldn’t have to experience difficult emotions.

We’re all trying to escape from our mind – we just don’t see it that way. 

We think we’re unhappy because of “a, b, c” – whether that is “I don’t make enough money”, “My relationship is terrible”, "I wish I lived somewhere else", and so on. 

​We see external situations and conditions and put the “blame” there. ​

​When, in actuality, it is the stories your mind is telling you about those conditions and situations that is causing you to struggle and suffer.

​The things we search out in the outer world to “make us happy” are fleeting.  They tap into that part of our brain that is focused on survival, that is sending messages that what we have is never enough, demanding “more, more, more!”

​When our external circumstances don’t line up with our internal expectations, we experience an uncomfortable inner disturbance. 

And when we feel uncomfortable, our natural, normal human tendency is to want to DO something to get rid of it.  

​We might distract ourselves, or isolate from others, or try to think ourselves out of it by worrying or making a plan.

​As for the methods you’ve used to avoid experiencing difficult things, try not to judge yourself.  

Whether you have used alcohol or exercise, it is simply a pattern that developed because at some point you, innocently, stumbled upon the realization that whatever it was could change how you felt when you were uncomfortable. 

It is no reflection on who you are at your core.

​Your brain, which is responsible both for your survival as well as maintaining habit and routine, latched onto your coping strategy as being helpful. 

So, it fights to maintain it - even if, on a rational level, you have identified it as being unhelpful or destructive. 

​We attach so deeply with the belief that this is “me” and it means that there is something “wrong” with you.  

​When, in reality, you have simply fallen into the trap of resisting reality, resisting having the experience you are having.  By trying to escape uncomfortable emotions, we spiral deeper into a false reality.

Our normal and natural tendency is to resist the experience of difficult emotions.  We often react automatically and act in ways to numb, avoid, or distract.  

But, by learning to embrace our full range of human emotions, we remove so much of the suffering in our lives. 

​When we don’t waste our energy wishing away what is, resisting the experience, ignoring or denying, or otherwise avoiding our emotions, they lose their power.  By staying with the emotion, we can listen to the message it is bringing to us. ​

We’re meant to be joyful – excited by life!  When we listen to our mind telling us that things are NOT the way we want them to be, it shuts down the possibility for joy and pretty much guarantees that we will suffer. ​

We can feel sad or any other challenging emotion, but dwelling on it, using our energy to try to “figure it out” or wish it away, only keeps us stuck in what we’re feeling. 

Ironically, it’s when we accept what is happening in the moment, instead of resisting it, that we make space for it, and it passes all on its own.

Emotions are simply an invitation to look deeper – to the thoughts and limiting beliefs that trigger them.  

Each time we react in a habitual way or catch ourselves getting completely swept up in and overwhelmed by our emotions, it is a clear indication that we are caught up in the stories of our mind and believing them to be true. ​

​By practicing the ability to sit with our emotions, we are able to see them more clearly.  Allowing yourself to experience uncomfortable emotions shows you that they can’t actually hurt you.   

You will be able to see more deeply, more clearly, that your emotions are being triggered by your mind, which is simply doing what a mind does. ​

​It is attaching meaning where there is none, making assumptions based on past experiences.  It is well-meaning in trying to keep you safe, but it is ultimately destructive and limiting.

Consider all the challenges we encounter in our lives!  What percentage of time are we reacting to our emotions in this way – 80%, 90%, more?  

That means that for the vast majority of our lives we are only reacting to life, rather than intentionally, mindfully living it. 

​We go through life constantly trying to get things “our way”.  We feel like life has to be a certain way on the outside for us to be okay on the inside.  ​

When we no longer need life, and the people we share it with, to line up perfectly with our inner wants and needs, we are liberated. ​

Learn More about Core-level Coaching

Author

​Learn more about Bobbi Beuree, Nova Scotia-based Coach + Facilitator