Who are you....really?

​The person we think we are is actually the personality we developed over time that is rooted in our very first experiences of the world. 

Our conditioned sense of self, that part of our mind that was developed over time based on our experiences, is often referred to as our ego.  It’s the constructed version of us, rooted in the subconscious part of our minds, that holds tightly to traits and beliefs that we developed when we were little – when we were still very literal and took on the behaviors, beliefs, and traits of the people around us. 

We accepted as truth the messages we received, either verbally or through actions, about our abilities, traits, and potential.  We had no abstract or critical thinking at that time.  We were little sponges that soaked up everything around us and saw it as relating directly to us - even though it actually had absolutely nothing to do with us (i.e. the actions or moods of others). 

We believed the messages we took in, and the interpretations we made about those messages, and they became part of our story of “I am….”.

​Your ego holds very tightly to this version of "you" and how it relates to the people and world around you.  It will reject anything that does not fit into the rigidly held beliefs. Other perspectives and versions of reality feel unsafe and threatening.

Keep in mind that the ego is part of your subconscious mind and largely out of your conscious awareness.  It is this part of you that reacts emotionally in situations that challenge your tightly held view of the world.  It is very much entrenched in black-or-white and right-or-wrong, with very little room to allow for new insights and perspectives. 

Change is not something the ego is even remotely comfortable with – it thrives in predictability and familiarity, even if things are not particularly positive or constructive.  And it will use all kinds of strategies to keep you there, to keep you “safe”.  These include using defense mechanisms, making comparisons to others, and ramping up your critical inner dialogue in order to maintain status quo.

Becoming conscious means, first and foremost, acknowledging that we all have an ego-self, as well as an unconditioned core-self.  With that awareness, we can challenge our deeply embedded, programmed ways of thinking, believing, and being.  We can move toward emotional healing, where choice becomes possible. 

Some ways to do this include:

• Practicing mindfulness and meditation to tap into your actual current experience, rather than allowing the lens of the past to cover it over or distort it
• Practicing acceptance of all your thoughts and emotions, while resisting the tendency to judge, criticize, or condemn the ones that your inner voice tells you are unacceptable
• Practicing authenticity by showing all aspects of ourselves, even those we may believe are not acceptable, to those we trust

​You’ll notice that I’ve used the word “practice” because that is exactly what it takes to heal and change aspects of our ego-self – to change the stories you have told yourself for so long that they became your reality. 

​Be patient with yourself, keep an open mind, and commit to digging deep to uncover the beliefs that keep you stuck in a story that was never truly of your choosing.  In this way, you can make the shift from reacting (from an unconscious, conditioned frame of mind that is rooted in the past) to responding (from a centered, self-aware frame of mind that is rooted in the present moment). 

Remember to practice self-compassion along the way - the process of emotional healing can be challenging and requires self-love and patience, but the end result will be a deep sense of empowerment where you can create your own reality.

If this is a topic you would like to explore more fully, check out reasons why people participate in  coaching to do just that!