Building Healthy Communication Skills

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” ― Stephen R. Covey 

Healthy communication skills have a positive impact on every area of your life. They can be learned and practiced to help make your relationships stronger and more supportive.

Part of becoming Self-Led is being able to express yourself in an authentic way, while also considering the perspective of others, contributing to a positive, healthy dynamic.

Roadblocks to Healthy Communication

- not listening fully when someone is speaking / being distracted
- interrupting or talking over someone
- assuming you know what someone is trying to say, without checking it out with them
​- giving unsolicited advice
​- changing the subject or jumping from topic to topic

Communication can be challenging because your mind works faster than someone can speak! Often, we're relating what is being said to an experience we have had. So, we're not listening so much as we are thinking.

What is "Active Listening"?

The goal of active listening is to mindfully and intentionally place your focus and attention on someone, with the primary goal of connecting and communicating effectively. 

It is a deliberate process that shows that you are actively engaged in interacting and communicating with the person in front of you.

Active listening means really hearing and understanding what the other person is saying to you through their words and body language.
 
Secondly, it means being able to reflect those feelings and thoughts through your words, tone of voice, body posture and gestures so that the other person knows he or she is understood. Check in with them - what I hear you saying is ________________. Is that what you meant?

Are you surprised to learn that listening is actually an ACTIVE process and not passively taking in information?

Benefits of Active Listening

- it shows that you are interested in what the person you're speaking to is saying
- it gives the other person a chance to express where they're coming from
- it allows the person to explore their situation more fully and gain insight
- it promotes a safe and warm relationship
- it promotes a feeling of acceptance and support

How to Do it:

• sit or stand directly facing the other person, giving them your full attention
• maintain good eye contact (not staring, but not continually looking away)
• maintain an open posture (arms and legs uncrossed)
• lean in a bit to visibly show that you are interested in what is being said
• maintain a relaxed position

Use Your Mannerisms:

• smiling if it feels appropriate
• occasionally using verbal encouragements, like "oh, really?" or "that's interesting", or even "um-hmm" (when there is a natural pause to do so)
• slightly nodding your head​

We don't just communicate with the words we speak; we communicate in how we say those words and the words we chose NOT to say. We communicate with our nonverbal mannerisms; our facial gestures and body language, the tone of our voice and the speed with which we say something. And, on a core level, we communicate with the energy we put out.

What Shuts Down Effective Communication?

1. An inability to manage emotions. When you're communicating, you're not just managing the emotions that come up based on what you are experiencing, but you're engaging with someone who is also contributing to your emotional experience. Trying to express yourself and engage with others can bring up challenging emotions!

2. Being distracted. Have you had the experience of trying to communicate with someone while they are preoccupied with something else (i.e., any form of technology or just unfocused and zoned out)? Did it make you want to continue communicating? On the flip-side, is this something you find yourself doing to others?

3. Low levels of eye contact, closed body posture, short replies, etc.

Communication Tips

- Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements:

Example: I feel upset when you break plans with me. Versus, you always break our plans and it makes me upset!

- Avoid using the words "always" and "never".

Example: Instead of, "You never support me", try "I haven't felt supported by you."

- Watch for the non-verbal cues mentioned above to ensure that the person you are speaking with is engaged in and wants to continue the conversation.

- Don't be afraid of silence. We often try to fill the silence, which can make things feel more awkward.

Unhealthy and Healthy Styles of Communication

Unhealthy: Passive, Passive-Aggressive, Aggressive, and Abusive
Healthy: ​Assertive
*a brief description of each style is provided below - click on the links to learn more about each style of communication

Examples:
Passive Communication: Having a passive style of communication often means that people are unable to express their thoughts or views for fear of the reactions by others (i.e., confrontation, ridicule, judgment, rejection). People with this style of communication tend to believe that they are not fit to provide judgments or opinions.

Passive-Aggressive Communication: “…a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does.” – Mayo Clinic  

Aggressive Communication: defines a way of communicating that usually involves manipulation and the use of language for personal gain.
​
Abusive Communication: Verbal abuse is a form of mental abuse that is designed to undermine a person and how they feel about themselves. This style of communication is meant to help maintain a level of control or power over the person being abused.

Assertive Communication:
Defined as “the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your rights, needs, and personal boundaries” (Pipas & Jaradat, 2010, p. 649).

Offer Support Instead of Advice

Often, because what someone is sharing can make us feel uncomfortable, we have a natural tendency to want to jump in and fix things or make them better.

We do a disservice to others, and our relationships, when we do this, especially if our advice hasn't been asked for. 

"What we are looking for is not someone who will cut through our dilemmas for us, but someone who will try to understand them.  Not someone who will impose his or her will upon us, but someone who will help us to use our own will.  Someone who, instead of dictating to us what we must do, will listen to us with respect.  Not someone who will reduce everything to an academic argument, but someone who will understand our personal motives, our feelings, and even our weaknesses and our mistakes." (from Paul Tournier's A Place for You.  New York: Harper & Row, 1966, p.191.)

Holding Space means being there for someone without relating what is happening to you. It means not trying to change or fix what is happening and instead, creating a safe space where someone can process what they're feeling and experiencing.

"There is what is SAID. And then, there is what is HEARD, based on what is FELT."

​Please consider the meaning of this statement to discuss in-session.