A Moment of Awakening

On this day 20 years ago I believe I almost left this world.
 
Below is a post I shared privately three years ago, but since I set an intention to be more authentically vulnerable in this new year, and because it is the 20 year anniversary of the experience I had, I felt drawn to sharing it more publicly.
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For some time, I have been feeling a pull to share something, but have been too afraid to do so. I told myself that it was because I was in a “professional position”, but deep down, I think I held back because I feared judgment from others.

But for the reasons I will share at the end of this post, and regardless of the fluttering in my stomach and the quickening of my heartbeat right now, I am deciding to be vulnerable, and honestly and authentically share part of my life story with you.

​Yesterday, as I was journaling about what is currently happening in the world, I had the image of being shaken awake. It took me back to a powerful awakening that I experienced seventeen years ago, in January 2003, that forever changed my outlook, understanding, and mindset about life and the world we live in.

I haven’t shared this publicly, but prior to that day, January 5, 2003, I had been in a dark and destructive spiral of substance abuse for a period of two years. It had reached the point where I was endangering my body, mind, and spirit over and over again.

The amount and combinations of drugs I was using, and the frequency of the use, was becoming more and more dangerous. Deep down, I knew that I was trying to destroy myself.

​And on January 5, 2003, I believe I almost did just that. I had a near-death experience – or what I’ve since come to view as a spiritual awakening.

It was a snowstorm that day and I had been up all night with three others, doing a variety of drugs in an apartment a shared with two roommates.
 
When they left I was lying on my bed and felt something that is so difficult to explain. My mind was completely alert, but I could feel that my body was starting to shut down in a way I had never experienced.

​I remember feeling afraid, but also welcoming it at the same time. I had been in deep emotional pain for the majority of my life and I had reached a point where I knew that I couldn’t take it anymore – either the pain or the lifestyle I had chosen as a way to cope with it.

And then, something "magical" happened. As I lay there, a white canopy appeared above and surrounding me – like gauze and white smoke.
 
I heard, inside my mind, “it has been taken from you”.
 
I wish I could better describe to you what I experienced in that moment. If I hadn’t been lying down, I know that I would have dropped to my knees in complete awe.
 
I felt a deep sense of inner peace, along with a deep knowledge that I was loved completely and unconditionally.
 
It was unlike anything I had experienced in my life. I remember thinking, “thank you, thank you, thank you” as tears streamed down my face.
 
And then, I slept.
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When I woke up the next day, it was as though I had been reborn. That deep emotional pain had truly been taken from me.
 
If you’re not a spiritually minded person, this next part may be difficult for you to believe. But I promise, it is true.

When I walked outside on that cold and sunny day, with each step that I took, I could feel shock waves going through my entire body. I remember thinking, “I am here – I’m awake!”
 
When a person passed by me, I had to physically stop myself from reaching out to touch them. I remember thinking, in amazement, “they are all just an extension of me”.
 
And when I looked at buildings and trees, they were outlined with light and color. The beauty of it took my breath away. I wanted to drop to my knees and feel the ground beneath me.
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I looked down and directly at my feet, I saw an air freshener on the ground. I stopped and picked it up. It was orange and had a Chinese symbol and the word Happiness written on it. I opened it and it smelled like Spring.
 
Peace and hope flooded through me. I remember smiling and saying out loud, “I am alive”. I still have that air freshener, and even though it is faded and tattered, I am transported back to that moment each time I look at it.
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My life changed completely from that moment on. I moved out of the apartment I had been living in and cut ties with almost every person in my life. I walked away from the lifestyle I had been living for the past two years.

I started reading every book I could get my hands on, feeling pulled to the topics of spirituality, psychology, mysticism, etc. I went back to school to complete an intensive certificate in counselling that eventually launched my career.
 
I knew peace for the first time in my life and felt connected with everything and everyone around me.

Over the past 20 years, I have experienced moments of awakened connection and understanding. And there have been many times where I fell so deeply back to “sleep” that when I emerged, I didn’t even recognize myself.

​But that initial awakening was remembered, deep in my core, and continued to pull me back, over and over again.​

I navigated my way through cancer in such a way that I viewed it as yet another invitation to awaken. I experienced a brief return to the lifestyle I had left behind, after many years of not touching a drug. And again, I questioned what it was in me that wanted to be destroyed.

 
Again, I used it as an opportunity to launch into an extended period of self-exploration, discovery, and healing.
 
I bless all these situations for the messages and lessons they contained.
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I have chosen to share this part of my story for several reasons:

1. As a coach, who encourages people to be authentic, it finally feels right for me to also embrace this philosophy as it relates to what I experienced
 
2. I want to encourage others to be vulnerable and share their struggles, if and when they feel called to do so
 
3. I hope to reach those who may currently be entrenched in a situation or lifestyle that they know, deep down, is destructive, to let them know that change is possible and there is a light at the end of the tunnel
 
4. It is a reminder that while, on the surface, situations may appear to be “negative”, they have the potential to push and propel you forward and upward in order to achieve your highest potential
 
5. To share with you all that there is a love and peace in this world, this universe, that is more powerful than you can ever imagine.
 
There is Always Hope 💛
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