Childhood Conditioning - Trading Authenticity for Attachment
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” Carl Jung
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In Module 1, you learned about childhood conditioning and the "Life Script" you subconsciously created to make sense of the people and world around you, and your place in it.
As part of this process, you learned to shut down parts of yourself in order to be accepted within your family. But these are valuable parts that we need in order to be whole. We make the unconscious choice as a young child to disown them, and many people never rediscover or reclaim them. In fact, we often unconsciously judge others who have these same traits. When we work to integrate all aspects of ourselves, we experience increased self-acceptance and a sense of wholeness + well-being. |
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Your Life Script becomes set when what you believe has been proven enough times, and in enough ways, that it is accepted by your mind as "fact".
You might believe, based on your lived experiences: - that people will disappoint and let you down - that you really aren't "good enough" - that expressing your emotions causes problems; or - that if you're not perfect, people won't love you |
Typically, by the age of seven, the information has been processed enough times, most often in high-emotion situations, that it has become your unconscious wiring. It is the lens through which you see the world, including yourself and others.
It becomes a story that we repeat over and over again: this is who I am; this is what I believe; this is what I deserve; this is what I bring to the world; this is how it's okay to act; this is how I get love, etc.
It becomes a story that we repeat over and over again: this is who I am; this is what I believe; this is what I deserve; this is what I bring to the world; this is how it's okay to act; this is how I get love, etc.
What's an Adaptation?
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In our earliest years, we made adaptations in order to fit in and be accepted by those who took care of us. We adapted by playing a role or acting in ways that helped us to get our needs met and maintain attachment with our caregivers.
We adapted in an attempt to get the love, affection, and attention every child craves. We did it to protect that vital bond with our parents or caregivers.
It's important to keep in mind that it was never a conscious choice, it happened automatically as an evolutionary survival mechanism. Remember the example of the two-year old who wanted the cookie before dinner? Her young mind, seeing that her anger was powerful enough to jeopardize her connection with her parent, decided (with all the insight of her two years of life) that she wouldn't get angry...ever. That is an adaptation.
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When our childhood environment required a lot of adapting, we became hypervigilant: watching to see what about us may get rejected and what might threaten our attachment and security.
Our emotional reactions are conditioned; they are something we have learned. Times when what was happening around us in childhood was particularly confusing or upsetting, it would have triggered our automatic, internal survival system.
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The nervous system would trigger the body into fight, flight, or freeze mode. As children, we are powerless. We quickly learn that it doesn’t help to fight back (even on an emotional level).
If we can't fight back or leave the situation the option that is left is to "freeze". This can look like zoning out, dissociating, or distracting by focusing on something else. |
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Those reactions allowed us to comply and adapt in an environment where it was necessary to do so to maintain connection with our caregivers (which is necessary to our survival). It served an important function at the time (i.e., pleasing a parent or escaping conflict or punishment), but does not serve well in adult life.
Going into “freeze mode” as adults may look like turning down opportunities because they’re outside our comfort zone, numbing out by binge watching a tv series, difficulty with decision making, procrastination, and generally just feeling “stuck”.
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Examples of an Adaptation
Situation: Dad is a single parent. He's stressed. He's dealing with his own stuff. He is doing the best he can. He loves his child and works to take care of them. That is what is objectively happening. But, subjectively, what experience may that child's young mind have? Child-mind interpretation: "Dad's too busy for me. I don't matter. I'm a bother. I'm unwanted." Adaptation: Maybe to adapt to your belief that you were an inconvenience, you developed a sense of independence and a conviction that you should do everything on your own. As you got older, you likely accepted being “independent” as part of the “True You”, without realizing that it was actually an adaptation that was based on faulty information. |
Without deeper insight and awareness, being “independent” is something you would maintain. Even if it ultimately caused you pain, your childhood wiring would continue to send messages that it is helpful and “good”. This deep, unconscious belief can keep us stuck in habits and behaviors that no longer serve us.
Situation: As a child when there was conflict or arguments in your house, you would retreat into your room so that you wouldn't get pulled into the conflict.
Adaptation (to protect yourself and maintain attachment with caregivers): Isolating during times of conflict
Adult Experience: Maybe you really want to connect with others. Maybe you're even feeling lonely and crave to connect with others in order to resolve conflict. But part of your mind doesn't feel like it's safe, so will send you subconscious messages to isolate.
Adaptation (to protect yourself and maintain attachment with caregivers): Isolating during times of conflict
Adult Experience: Maybe you really want to connect with others. Maybe you're even feeling lonely and crave to connect with others in order to resolve conflict. But part of your mind doesn't feel like it's safe, so will send you subconscious messages to isolate.
Keep in mind that a child necessarily has to make everything about them - it's just part of their wiring! Mom's mad...I did something wrong. My caregivers are fighting about money...it must be because I had an extra snack yesterday".
It's a built-in survival mechanism because you are vulnerable and relying on maintaining the connection with your caregivers. Gabor Mate shared in a recent video that if a child has to sacrifice their authenticity (who they really are, how they feel, what they want, etc.) in order to remain attached to their caregivers, they will do it every time.
It's a built-in survival mechanism because you are vulnerable and relying on maintaining the connection with your caregivers. Gabor Mate shared in a recent video that if a child has to sacrifice their authenticity (who they really are, how they feel, what they want, etc.) in order to remain attached to their caregivers, they will do it every time.
What are Core Beliefs?
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A core belief is a belief that was created in the subconscious mind, typically being firmly rooted in place by the age of seven. Regardless of whether or not these beliefs are actually true, they are accepted by the mind as "truth".
When we are not conscious of our core beliefs, but they are there, beneath the surface, running the show. It's only by raising your level of self-awareness and uncovering these core beliefs that you can make conscious, present-moment choices in life. |
Common Core Beliefs (adapted from Dr. Nicole LePera)
1. "I'm not lovable/worthy/good enough. Something is wrong with me."
How this shows up in adulthood: Self-betrayal, negative self-talk, procrastination, chronic fear of criticism, performing/playing a role, denying one's own needs and boundaries
2. "I must betray parts of myself in order to be accepted."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: codependency patterns, enabling partners who harm you + themselves, fear of stating your needs, lack of boundaries, inability to be vulnerable, avoidance of romantic relationships (or losing yourself in relationships)
3. "I must compete or tear others down in order for me to "win" or get what I want."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: fear-based decision making, inability to collaborate, assuming negative intentions from others, black + white/right + wrong thinking, inability to see the perspective of others
4. "People will always leave or reject me."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: insecure attachment in relationships, push/pull behaviors, inability to follow through on tasks, impulsive behaviors
5. "I am unlucky. Good things don't happen for me."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: sarcasm as a coping mechanism, "playing small", fear over revealing dreams + goals, chronic complaining, emotional dumping
6. "I'm not safe and the world isn't safe."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: addiction or negative behaviors as an attempt to regulate the nervous system, isolation, high reactivity, defensiveness, over-independence, lack of resilience
7. "I can't do anything right."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: lack of agency and self-trust, avoidance, dependency on others, discounting the positives
1. "I'm not lovable/worthy/good enough. Something is wrong with me."
How this shows up in adulthood: Self-betrayal, negative self-talk, procrastination, chronic fear of criticism, performing/playing a role, denying one's own needs and boundaries
2. "I must betray parts of myself in order to be accepted."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: codependency patterns, enabling partners who harm you + themselves, fear of stating your needs, lack of boundaries, inability to be vulnerable, avoidance of romantic relationships (or losing yourself in relationships)
3. "I must compete or tear others down in order for me to "win" or get what I want."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: fear-based decision making, inability to collaborate, assuming negative intentions from others, black + white/right + wrong thinking, inability to see the perspective of others
4. "People will always leave or reject me."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: insecure attachment in relationships, push/pull behaviors, inability to follow through on tasks, impulsive behaviors
5. "I am unlucky. Good things don't happen for me."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: sarcasm as a coping mechanism, "playing small", fear over revealing dreams + goals, chronic complaining, emotional dumping
6. "I'm not safe and the world isn't safe."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: addiction or negative behaviors as an attempt to regulate the nervous system, isolation, high reactivity, defensiveness, over-independence, lack of resilience
7. "I can't do anything right."
How this belief shows up in adulthood: lack of agency and self-trust, avoidance, dependency on others, discounting the positives
Keep in mind that this (often faulty) wiring is happening on a subconscious level, meaning we're not aware of it. Which means, it has free rein to continue dictating our experience and holding us back from healthy alternatives.
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We take on beliefs very easily in childhood (just consider how impressionable our minds are!) "I don't fit in my family", "I feel like an outsider", or "there's something wrong with me; I'm not good enough".
Children come to these conclusions based on how they interpret what's going on around them, as it relates to them. "What does this mean for + about me? How have I caused or contributed to this? Am I responsible?" We change ourselves bit by bit (and sometimes in significant ways) in order to keep ourselves from feeling emotional pain. |
Once Your Core Beliefs are in Place...
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There is a part of the brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). It’s located in the brain stem and acts as a filter, only allowing certain things to reach us on a conscious level.
The aspects of life it lets in are the ones that fit and reaffirm our core beliefs. In psychology, it is called confirmation bias. On a constant basis, our mind subconsciously seeks out information that confirms what we believe, while discarding information that goes against what we believe to be true. |
Remember the Life Script? When we’re unaware that we have this "storyline" we've created, we can feel powerless, operating from the belief that life is happening to us.
We can’t understand where we keep going wrong or why we keep repeating the same destructive or unhelpful patterns.
We can seem like a stranger to ourselves and distant from others; life can seem like a scary place.
We can’t understand where we keep going wrong or why we keep repeating the same destructive or unhelpful patterns.
We can seem like a stranger to ourselves and distant from others; life can seem like a scary place.
What is a "Schema"?
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A "schema" is a map of reality in the mind that is created in childhood to help us know how to react or respond to what's happening.
Step 1: Something happens (we receive sensory input of some kind) Step 2: We have an automatic expectation of what will happen next (based on lived experience) Step 3: a habitual (unconscious) reaction unfolds (based on the wiring of the subconscious mind) The fact that the brain makes automatic connections and patterns is, overall, helpful. Being able to efficiently predict and prepare to navigate complex aspects of life means that we conserve energy. We automatically know what to expect and how to react. It is a vital system when we are in danger or feel threatened and need to shift into autopilot in order to protect ourselves. |
Your child-mind was constantly trying to understand what was happening, what was going to happen, and how you should respond to it. It allowed you to adapt to your family's view of reality, but it's important to keep in mind that what you learned early in life, which may have served and helped you then, is likely very different from your present-moment, adult reality.
The existence of schemas themselves is healthy, necessary, and helpful. It is the faulty information that is contained in many of our schemas, false beliefs that we have accepted as truth, that is dysfunctional.
They are working in the background, below our level of conscious awareness. By becoming more aware of your schemas, you can stop allowing them to hinder the expression of who you really are - the True You.
They are working in the background, below our level of conscious awareness. By becoming more aware of your schemas, you can stop allowing them to hinder the expression of who you really are - the True You.
You will explore the topic of schemas more in the video included in this Module: The Psychology of Schemas: Why Our Childhood Can Mess Us Up.
