As I was looking at the blooms this morning, it got me thinking about how we as humans, just like plants and any other living things, need just the right conditions in which to really come alive.
There have been times when I've been distracted and forgot to water my plants at just the right time. I felt a sense of guilt when it happened – when their soil was dry and their leaves started to droop a bit. But then I would remind myself that a little adversity goes a long way in building character and resilience, and that very few living things in this world have the exact perfect conditions at all times.
Seeing my plants every day is a constant reminder of the necessity for my own personal self-care. They are a visual reminder that living beings need to be nourished and nurtured - each in their own unique way.
Lastly, what aspects of your life make you bloom? What are you doing when you feel like the absolute best version of yourself? What are you passionate about, committed to, and enriched by? What makes you come alive? While we can't control many aspects of our lives, each of us has the ability to work within our own unique situations to create a strong foundation of self-love and self-care, while nurturing the parts of us that make us feel awake, aware, and alive! Learn More about Core-level Coaching AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Nova Scotia-based Coach + Facilitator
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The media keeps us transfixed on a version of reality that is, well, unrealistic. The perfect images we are bombarded with make us feel that we are sorely lacking. It keeps us small and afraid and busy. We are so physically and emotionally drained by all that we are “consuming”, by the messages we are taking in and believing to be true, that we’re too exhausted to invest in real life. Or to question if the current state of our inner and outer worlds is truly how we want to go through this life. On some level, we've collectively convinced ourselves that we don't deserve more. We are, in many ways, broken individually, so on a collective level, that broken quality is amplified. We have grown to accept that we have to rush through our lives, numb to what's actually happening around us, zoned out on our devices or in our heads – often wishing time away. We’ve convinced ourselves on a grand scale that this is “life”. Our minds have been programmed to believe that the future is somehow preferable to the present moment - that we need to wait to be happy, content, or fulfilled in our lives. Wait until our mortgages are paid off or we have “more time”. Wait for the next vacation or for the right person to come into our lives - which will definitely be better than any we've experienced in the past, right? As a society, we’re zoned out, tuned out, and living vicariously way too often. The only real control we have in this life is who and how we are within any situation or moment. You can only give to and connect with others at the level at which you’re currently at personally. If you don’t work on building self-awareness and self-acceptance, you have very little to authentically give to friends, family, and your community. It is my belief that it is only by focusing in on personal growth that society can truly change and evolve as a whole. We all know that change is scary. When we start questioning the very foundations that our realities are built on, it can feel overwhelming. Even if we weren’t particularly fulfilled before, at least we were stable. We didn’t have to think about who we were and what we wanted because all the messages had been so deeply ingrained that we stopped feeling like we had options. It has often been easier to stay “asleep”. But, it’s time to wake up! Being awake and aware may initially feel uncomfortable. But with any situation, no matter how big or small, it is completely up to you how you choose to think about and respond to it. Because it is your mindset that determines your emotions, which then inform your actions, and ultimately your reality. Where will you choose to place your attention? Will you continue to accept as fact the constant messages you are being pummeled with? Will you continue to mindlessly accept as truth what your mind and the media tell you? Or will you maybe step back, pause, and dig a little deeper? Will you make a choice to take control of the information that is swirling around you, dictating your reality? Will you make the choice to develop a conscious, empowered, and awake mindset? There is an aspect of you, deep at your core, that is waiting for you to wake up – to see what’s really important, to create a life that is nurturing and deeply fulfilling, to grow in self-awareness and understanding, to be awake to your unlimited potential. Can you feel that you’re being called to evolve into the best version of yourself? Is it time? Learn More about Core-level Coaching AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Nova Scotia-based Coach + Facilitator
Just then, the KD Lang version of the song, Hallelujah, came on. I love the song too, but it was the images of my sister and brother, who also love it, that flooded into my mind and my heart. I closed my eyes, wrapped myself in a hug, and swayed as the music and lyrics washed over me. The first emotions to flood through were happiness and peacefulness. Following that, tears appeared. And then, sobs came forward as my emotions changed to sadness and then, actual pain and grief. It washed over me in that instant, as I thought of my brother and sister, the truth of it – that we wouldn’t all have each other forever. Everything will change. Even if it all feels so stable right now. The story of your life, that you have created, will wash away – bit by bit or all at once. With my body filled with emotion, that awareness extended outward to include all my family, friends, acquaintances, and beyond. I realized that I will never see some of these people again before one of us passes away. I know that may come across as being a somewhat morbid thought. But that realization actually had profoundly poignant emotions attached to it. Yes, I cried in those short moments; I felt actual pain; I grieved. And then I let it pass. I resisted the urge to cling to what is, to fight against the unfairness, to resist this indisputable knowledge that all that we know, all that we are, will come to pass. In the face of “upsetting” thoughts and strong emotions, it is our natural human tendency to want to avoid the pain, at all costs. We tend to clench tight, close up, and find a way to suppress it or distract ourselves from what we’re experiencing. But instead, in those few brief moments, I let myself feel it: the fear, the sadness, the deep sorrow. I allowed myself to take in the glimpses of regret. And after those passed, what remained was a deep feeling of peace – because there’s still time! And the time is now! Why are we living as though we’re just passing through? Or that it’s not a guaranteed reality that we will all die. We’re collecting experiences and memories and things, but are we truly living? From our most connected and emotionally healed part of us? We work so hard on maintaining our core beliefs and counterproductive habits and ways of thinking. Imagine if we took all that energy and invested it instead into learning how to:
So, learn from death - let it become a central part of your living. Don’t leave behind regrets. Live this one life that you have to its fullest potential! After having this beautiful, heart-opening experience, I made myself a promise. Each time I share a hug with someone from this point forward it is going to reflect the deep and humbling knowledge that it may be the last time that I get to hug this particular soul. What would you do if you knew this was your last week on earth? What would you want to say or do to let the people in your life know how deeply you care? Don’t wait – find a way to develop those deeper connections now. You’ll never regret it. Learn More about Core-level Coaching AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Nova Scotia-based Coach + Facilitator
I was asked to go into a Positive Psychology class to facilitate a workshop at the end of the month. Automatically my heart rate jumped a bit and my thoughts said, “don’t do it; make an excuse!”. Luckily, because I’ve been noticing and working on this pattern for some time, it was easier for me to catch that automatic thought and challenge it. Immediately, I thought, “wait a minute!” I reminded myself that this is exactly what I want to do more of and exactly what I have experience, skill, and passion doing – and I am confident in it! And yet, even in that situation, one that was so perfectly aligned with who I am, my core values, and the goals I have set for myself – my lightning-quick automatic thought process went to “don’t agree; don’t risk it; stay small!” Protection mode – if we don’t dare to do things that may challenge us, we can’t get hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, or any other emotion or experience we may fear. I know I’m not alone in this and I realized once again how deeply ingrained these types of reactions really are. If it happened in that ideal situation, how often does it happen in our daily lives that we don’t catch it? Especially when it comes to situations that are new or different? How often are we avoiding being challenged, avoiding trying new things, or avoiding putting ourselves in situations where we may experience vulnerability? We have so many outdated “scripts”, old stories that are running in the background of our minds, based on our upbringing and earliest experiences. If we haven't done the work necessary to recognize, challenge or change them, they are calling the shots, running the show, dictating our perception, and essentially, making choices for us. Over time, if we lack the self-awareness needed to fully see this, we tend to turn these tendencies into personality or character traits (“oh, that’s just how I am”), when that is not accurate at all. Rather, they are defense mechanisms, put into place at a time in our lives when we had limited life experience and limited coping strategies. They then became a “story” we told, and continue to tell, ourselves and others – we believed them so they were “true”. When we learn to slow down and check out those automatic reactions, we can learn about the messages attached to them. Messages that likely have some aspect of vulnerability embedded within them depending on what our young brains accepted as fact, in childhood and adolescence – that then became our “story”. We constantly put labels and limitations on ourselves: “I’m capable of “this”, but not “that”, “I am “this”, but not “that”.” Let’s use as an example, a belief someone has that they are not funny. It is a story they may have told themselves, based on messages or experiences they encountered when they were young that made it, for whatever reason, not feel “safe” to be funny. Perhaps as a child they told their father a joke and his response was, “that’s not funny”. If their father was an important person in their life, and they wanted his affection and approval, that very simple statement likely carried an emotional impact. Then maybe their father, or perhaps even an older sibling, made a similar statement on another occasion. It touched on that same emotion from the first time it happened and their brain became trained to seek out supporting evidence to further prove, “I’m not funny”. By “safe”, I don’t mean on a physical level (unless there was an abusive situation), but emotionally. As children, we try to avoid overwhelming emotions like sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, and shame. So, we change ourselves in certain ways to avoid experiencing these emotions (i.e. we stop telling jokes or trying to be funny so that we do not get criticized or negatively judged by the people we care about.) Once we become aware of the stories that are running in our minds, dictating our here and now experiences, we become empowered! Because only then can change, that is based on conscious, present-moment, heart-guided information, happen. This is one of the biggest reasons why people struggle with creating, sticking with, and achieving goals, or forming new habits. They often don’t have a solid basis of understanding their ingrained tendencies, their conditioned responses, and the underlying limiting beliefs that form the foundation from which they are living their lives. One of the primary areas I focus on in life coaching sessions is self-awareness. It is such a broad term that I’m sure people interpret it in many different ways. And it actually does mean different things. It can relate to “mindful presence” – being able to tap into a deeper, more attuned quality of life. But in order to achieve this, there must be a level of understanding of our core. It is from a place of deep self-awareness (understanding the process of how our conditioned thoughts and beliefs impact our emotions, which then impact everything else), that we can change and transform. We are not our thoughts, not our beliefs or stories. It is liberating to know that once we have this realization, once we understand why we developed certain beliefs or traits, and how they may still be holding us back or limiting our potential, we can choose to take control. Ask yourself if a certain belief or way of thinking feels authentically true or right to you as the person you are now. Basically, is it still working for you? If not, you have the ability to re-create yourself to be the person you want to be now. When you can change your perception, you truly can change your life experience! Learn More about Core-level Coaching AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Nova Scotia-based Coach + Facilitator
But often, it is not the actual event or situation that causes us to experience stress, but our interpretation of that situation or event. Let’s say, for example, that you’re meeting a friend for brunch. You have agreed to meet at 11:30am and you arrive at 11:15 to get a good table. You’re excited to see your friend since it’s been far too long since you’ve had a chance to catch up. As you scan the room you notice some couples and a group of friends, all chatting away and enjoying themselves. Feeling a little uncomfortable that you’re the only person sitting alone, you check the time and notice that it is 11:35. Your first thought might be something like, “wow, I even made an effort to be early, I wonder what’s keeping him?” Thoughts along those lines might continue for a few minutes. The more time that passes, however, the more your thoughts may start to take on a different tone as the voice in your head starts making comments like, “people always do this to me, I’m fed up with being the only person who’s ever on time!” or “he obviously doesn’t have much respect for me if he doesn’t value my time enough to be here when she said he would”. We're filtering the present situation through the lens of our past experiences. If it is actually a new situation, our minds may start questioning, again on a subconscious level, whether we have the ability to handle it, or worry about the impact it will have on other areas of our lives, etc. In most cases, it is the messages our brains are telling us that trigger the stress response. Often a situation triggers a memory of another time in the past where we may have experienced something similar and did not have adequate coping skills or our feelings got hurt. We may not realize that is happening and think we’re in the here and now, but we’re really not. There are several ways to make some changes when it comes to this type of stress:
In the example above, you might remind yourself that your friend could be stuck in traffic or perhaps misplaced his car keys, or that he is dealing with a family emergency - all things that have absolutely no reflection on how much he values or respects you. Truly, at that point it has nothing to do with you except that you are sitting by yourself at a table in a restaurant. Then, take a deep breath and let those emotions pass by, without allowing the thoughts continue that are fueling your stress response. Being aware of your thinking and its impact on the level of stress you experience is one of the most helpful things you can do to help minimize its effect on you. Learn More about Core-level Coaching AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Nova Scotia-based Coach + Facilitator
The goal is to feel your feelings, while also accepting the situation as it is. Remember, we don’t have to like it or want it to be happening. But we can choose to accept it, instead of resisting, which ultimately does not work and only depletes your energy and making you more miserable than you were initially. It’s basically like saying, “okay, this is the situation. And this is how I feel about it. And now can I just relax and let it be here...just for now?”
Instead of focusing on aspects you don’t like, ones that bother you, you can choose to practice radical acceptance, which makes way for problem-solving. Instead of giving all that energy to the emotions associated with your resistance towards the situation, you can switch gears and put that energy into planning mode instead.
So, how do we do it?
Tune in to your thoughts, asking, “what are my thoughts saying about this?” If they are upsetting or uncomfortable, try putting a bit of distance between you and the thoughts. A simple ACT strategy that loosens the mind’s grip on accepting every thought we have as fact is to say to yourself (internally – or externally, if you like), “I’m having the thought that….”.
There is also an ACT Choice Point exercise that I’ve found to be so helpful in challenging conditioned responses. I ask, “Does allowing myself to really buy in to this thought or belief, even if I truly think it is true, take me towards the experience I ideally want to have or away from it? Do I really want to buy into the story that’s playing in my mind or do I want to challenge it? Can I reframe this or see a different perspective?” I have used expressive journaling for many years and 3 years ago made it a regular and ongoing practice. It is so helpful in exploring such aspects of life as core beliefs, conditioned responses, and associated behaviors. I’ve been able to notice patterns and make more conscious choices based on them. It is a perfect way to reflect back on our reactions and learn what we could potentially do differently next time. A helpful philosophy to keep in mind related to practicing radical acceptance is this: “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” Choosing to practice acceptance, in the moment, even in situations we do not like, essentially removes the suffering. There are going to be times when we react in an unconscious, habitual manner, rather than responding from a tuned-in, conscious place. But the important thing in the end is this: did you take a bit of time to process and learn whatever lesson was attached to the experience in order to be able to learn and grow from it? Don’t worry, if you feel like you didn’t handle a challenging situation as well as you would have liked, there’s always next time 😊
Learn More about a unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
What has helped me hold on during times such as these is developing a practice of Radical Acceptance. In the book Radical Acceptance – Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha, by Tara Brach, she writes, “Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening, or intense. It is the necessary antidote of years of neglecting ourselves, years of rejecting this moment’s experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom”. Now this does not mean that because we are accepting the reality of our circumstances, we intentionally stay stuck in situations that are difficult. It does not mean that we choose not to strive for better in our lives. It does not mean that we passively accept things that make us unhappy or unfulfilled, and give up our power. It simply means that, in the moment, we breathe and accept the reality of what is – that we understand that we don’t always see the big picture and that perhaps this very difficult situation is a necessary lesson to propel us further along in our quest to grow, evolve, and create our ideal life. As humans, we love to label situations as “positive or negative”, “good or bad”. But, ironically we never know if a positive situation will somehow lead to negative consequences or alternatively, that a situation that seems challenging and difficult is not actually a blessing in disguise. If we can choose to lose those misleading labels and consider circumstances as just that, we can take all that emotional energy we’re investing in fighting against or resisting the situation and put it towards taking positive action and developing a growth mindset. Basically, we accept it while we’re “growing through it”. You may be thinking, “well, that’s easier said than done!” And it’s true, it’s not easy to shift our thinking in this way because our deeply unconscious belief system and lightning-quick thought processes are dictating our perception and interpretation of what is happening. Our brains are programmed to look for things that will hurt us and focus on them. But the goal in self-work is to learn to catch those conditioned impulses and reactions, take a mindful pause and then respond, from a more conscious place, rather than reacting in a habitual way that often causes more stress, pain, and problems than were already attached to the initial situation! So the next time you hear yourself saying some version of, “but this isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to be going through this. I hate this!”, remember to pause, take a deep breath, and harness all the energy that is being directed at what it is you are resisting. At that point you can use that energy as a launching pad to propel you forward into problem-solving or taking action to address your concern. Of course, it takes practice to develop this approach, but I’ll leave you with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” Want to work on developed Radical Acceptance? Visit Homepage for more information on my unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality. AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator |
AuthorBobbi Beuree, Certified CAN Coach + Facilitator is located Nova Scotia and provides interactive 1:1 coaching services, as well as group coaching events. Archives
March 2024
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