One of the biggest contributing factors to people’s unhappiness is the fact that we believe we should always be “happy”. I think we have all fallen into that trap in our lives. And when we’re coming from that mindset, believing that every emotion other than happiness is unacceptable, we are going to suffer.
We get the message, over and over again – “be happy!” We even ask ourselves the same question: “What’s wrong with me? I should be happy!” We feel like we can’t be happy until things in our external environment line up with how we believe they should be. The story is different for everyone, but may sound something like:
When, in actuality, it is the stories your mind is telling you about those conditions and situations that is causing you to struggle and suffer. The things we search out in the outer world to “make us happy” are fleeting. They tap into that part of our brain that is focused on survival, that is sending messages that what we have is never enough, demanding “more, more, more!”
As for the methods you’ve used to avoid experiencing difficult things, try not to judge yourself. Whether you have used alcohol or exercise, it is simply a pattern that developed because at some point you, innocently, stumbled upon the realization that whatever it was could change how you felt when you were uncomfortable. It is no reflection on who you are at your core.
Our normal and natural tendency is to resist the experience of difficult emotions. We often react automatically and act in ways to numb, avoid, or distract. But, by learning to embrace our full range of human emotions, we remove so much of the suffering in our lives. When we don’t waste our energy wishing away what is, resisting the experience, ignoring or denying, or otherwise avoiding our emotions, they lose their power. By staying with the emotion, we can listen to the message it is bringing to us. We’re meant to be joyful – excited by life! When we listen to our mind telling us that things are NOT the way we want them to be, it shuts down the possibility for joy and pretty much guarantees that we will suffer.
Emotions are simply an invitation to look deeper – to the thoughts and limiting beliefs that trigger them. Each time we react in a habitual way or catch ourselves getting completely swept up in and overwhelmed by our emotions, it is a clear indication that we are caught up in the stories of our mind and believing them to be true. By practicing the ability to sit with our emotions, we are able to see them more clearly. Allowing yourself to experience uncomfortable emotions shows you that they can’t actually hurt you. You will be able to see more deeply, more clearly, that your emotions are being triggered by your mind, which is simply doing what a mind does. It is attaching meaning where there is none, making assumptions based on past experiences. It is well-meaning in trying to keep you safe, but it is ultimately destructive and limiting.
When we no longer need life, and the people we share it with, to line up perfectly with our inner wants and needs, we are liberated. Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
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So, there was a tingling feeling of anticipation as 6:30pm approached and then passed. As I waited, the feeling of anticipation grew as each moment ticked by, with me glued to my laptop watching for her to check-in. I checked my phone to see if there was a text or email and ran another pre-call test on the video platform I use to make sure it was working properly. After 20 minutes of this feeling of anticipation ramping up, I sent a message to my client to see if something had come up. It had and she had forgotten about her session. As I read her response, I could feel the energy in my body change and that sense of anticipation completely and immediately dissipated. This experience got me thinking about how we perceive emotions. I realized that what I was experiencing as “anticipation” felt a whole lot like anxiety. When I was going through an extremely challenging situation a few years ago, I experienced a three-month period of heightened anxiety that, at times, bordered on panic. At the time I labeled it as bad and hard and upsetting. This time I reached the realization that my mind was just calling the same sensations by a different name – anticipation instead of anxiety. It was the exact same energy in my body, the same sensations, but this time my mind had labeled it differently, so it completely changed my overall experience of it. It got me thinking about how we, collectively as humans, quite love experiencing a wide range of emotions and sensations. We like surprises – some of us, anyway. We watch scary movies, listen to sad music; we get frustrated and exhilarated by sports. We even seek out things that disgust us, at times. It’s only when our mind tells us a story to explain the sensations we are experiencing that it is labeled as “good” or “bad”. Why is it that we like the feeling of our heart pounding when we're "happy or excited” but worry about it and dislike it when we link it to "anxiety"? It's because we are listening to the story in our mind, that is trying to be helpful and explain to us why we’re feeling as we do. And not just listening, but BELIEVING the thoughts, the story, to be true. Our mind is designed to connect dots and tell stories. And many times, the stories it comes up with are not completely accurate, or even true. But they are very convincing. Our mind is doing the best it can and, ultimately, is looking out for our best interests. But while it is working so hard to keep us safe, it is also keeping us small and stuck. It tells us that anxiety is “bad” and anticipation is “good”, when in truth they are both simply energy moving through us. And that energy will pass – it has to – it’s designed to. Unless we keep it alive with our attention and through our thoughts. So the next time your mind jumps in to explain and label what you’re feeling, maybe try taking a step back and seeing it for what it truly is – simply energy moving through your body. When we can gain this insight, it completely changes our experience of emotions. When we can see that the thoughts that cycle on repeat in our mind are often not true, it also completely changes our experience. *please note that everyone’s experience with emotions, including anxiety, can be very different. The views expressed in this post are based solely on my experience and perspective. Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
So, for those reasons, I am committing to practicing Radical Acceptance - an approach that has gotten me through other very trying times in my life when I had limited control over a situation. It's important to point out that acceptance is not approval – it doesn't mean that: - I will ultimately like or agree with what's happening - I would, deep down, chose for it to be as it is - I don't have hope that things can be different Instead, it means that I am choosing to make space for the thoughts and emotions that are coming up around it, acknowledging that living in such an uncertain time in the world is challenging and potentially upsetting, and then shifting my attention to things over which I actually have some degree of control. I am acknowledging that what I, on a personal level, hope will happen may not be what the world, in a global sense, ultimately needs to happen. And while that is a tough pill to swallow, it’s an important realization to have. It's interesting that it is our natural human tendency to focus on what is wrong, bad, unfair, shocking, etc. That's helpful when it's acting as an actual protective mechanism, but not so helpful in day to day life. It’s important to choose wisely what and to whom you give your attention because we strengthen and energize what we focus on. So what does it come down to? Be the change you want to see in the world. It is as simple as that. Make a conscious choice to stop focusing so much on that which is beyond your control and instead, put the focus on you - on becoming what you ultimately want the world to be. Focus on becoming loving, kind, and joyful - on becoming awake, aware, and connected. Embrace and champion what you want instead of fighting against what you don't want. Acceptance does not mean being weak or "giving in". It is actually powerful in that in allows you to harness your energy to make a difference in the world, instead of using it to complain or argue against what is. People often say, “I can’t stand this,” “This isn’t fair,” “This can’t be true,” and “It shouldn’t be this way.” It’s almost as if we think refusing to accept the truth will keep it from being true, or that accepting means agreeing. Acceptance does not mean agreeing or not moving forward with change if that is possible or preferable. It is acknowledging the reality of what is happening, accepting that it is not within your control, and refocusing on what matters to you. In that way, you can take action in ways that nourish and enrich your life and the lives of the people around you. Again, we need to stop focusing on what we don't want, which is only adding fuel to the fire. On a personal level, I would rather save my energy and invest it in creating within myself what I hope to see more of in the world around me. I choose to invest my energy in the people I love, in being a good facilitator to help my clients make positive change, in practicing gratitude for this life, and in continuing to learn, grow, and evolve. We really do have a choice, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. It may initially feel counterproductive to practice acceptance, but the peace of mind that ultimately results is worth navigating through those initial uncomfortable thoughts and emotions that may come up. And the energy that is freed up can help to create the life you want to be living. The world will do what the world will do. The question is, what will you do? Are you feeling stressed about all the uncertainty that is happening in the world right now? Coaching can help! Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
But that's not the case at all. The outward actions that tend to get labeled self-sabotage (i.e., emotionally pushing away a new partner, over-eating, or turning down an opportunity to challenge yourself) seem like "choices" we are making. But what is driving those behaviors is coming from an automatic part of your subconscious mind. Your habits + patterns are not based on conscious choice if you are automatically playing them out in a programmed way. This subconscious part of your brain, often referred to as the reptile brain or lower brain, has as a prime objective ensuring your safety + survival. It is automatic, habitual, and "non-thinking". It is not rational or objective and is unable to consider your overall well-being. It simply recognizes patterns and send impulses to act in predictable, habitual ways. And while the mind is well-intentioned in trying to keep you just as you are, it is often misguided and holds you back from doing things like making positive change, venturing outside your comfort zone, or taking action on something that may seem intimidating. Your brain needs to make sense of everything in order to help you navigate through this world. So, it looks for patterns, that, when established, allow for "autopilot" reactions. Because the brain uses so much energy, it relies on having programs stored as pathways, so that it can react automatically. This is why it can be so challenging to change a habit. Repetition, like a well-travelled path through the woods, has etched an automatic pathway into the brain. It’s important to keep in mind that the first however many times you did the action that eventually turned into a habit – whether it was shopping, drinking alcohol, feeling the need to seek assurance from a partner, biting your nails, worrying, etc. – on some level it was helpful to you. It may or may not have helped you to feel "good", but it likely helped you to avoid strong emotions that may have felt threatening in the moment. The lower brain grasped onto the action as being protective, as providing safety. So the next time you felt uncomfortable feelings rising up, the mind sent an urge to do the action - that thing that distracted you and helped you to feel more comfortable. When you acted on the urge, it reinforced for the brain that it was a “good thing”, that it was helpful. And so, it becomes a cycle - a habit and slides from our conscious awareness. It's so important to note that any habits you have, even those that have turned destructive, even those that you are ashamed or embarrassed of, are not who YOU are. They are not character flaws or personality traits. You're not "weak" or "broken" or any other label you or others may have put on you because of your habit. It’s simply the mind doing exactly what it is designed to do. And will continue to do until we gain a deeper level of insight into what’s truly going on.  A key strategy in changing habits is to learn how to gently and compassionately put some distance between "who you are at your core" and "the thoughts that you have". Especially when your thinking is pushing and encouraging you to continue doing your habit, regardless of the cost to your health and well-being. By developing a deeper level of mindfulness, we can watch the interplay of thoughts, emotions, urges, sensations, etc. without getting swept up and carried away by them. We can grow to understand that there is a “choice point” between feeling the urge to act in an habitual way and actually acting on it. When you see this, it loosens the grip of your thinking, lessening its believability and minimizing its power over you. What have you tried when it comes to gaining control over or changing a habit in your life? Have you used will-power or self-criticism? Maybe you've tried to figure out on an intellectual level why you do what you do and plan how you can stop or change? Have you felt pumped for positive change one minute and then find yourself mindlessly doing your habit...scrolling through your phone, binge eating, or criticizing others? For real change to happen, we need a deeper level of self-awareness around why we have the habits we do. When we actively try to control our habits, suppress them, distract from them, or beat up on ourselves because of them, it has the opposite result from what we intended. We actually strengthen and reinforce them just by placing our attention on them. It’s important to keep in mind that whatever we focus on grows in importance in our minds. So, when you are intently focused on your habit, even when you’re trying not to do it, it is still holding your attention. “Will I really be able to stop this time? “I really shouldn’t do it – I know better!” “Why do I keep doing this?!” We feed and fuel our habits in this way – with the energy of our attention - and they continue to grow more powerful. What if instead, when you hear a thought in your mind that encourages you to act on a habit that you have rationally and objectively identified as being harmful or demoralizing to your well-being, you could recognize that it is not coming from “you”? What if you practice recognizing that the thought is coming from a part of your brain that is attempting to keep status quo by maintaining a pattern, that was at one time, helpful? Our true nature, beneath the conditioning and programming, is whole, joyful, open, loving, and habit-free. Anything that contradicts that is a part of your brain that has limited information and lacks awareness, mistakenly thinking it’s keeping you “safe”. When you free up energy by withdrawing your attention from your habit, and from the self-criticism that often goes hand-in-hand with it, you can create what you do want, instead of fighting against what you don’t. You heal parts of yourself and eventually become someone who no longer feels the need to do that particular habit. You transcend it. That’s not to say you won’t backslide at times. That’s a natural and normal part of the process. But, with a deeper level of awareness, instead of criticizing or shaming yourself, you can celebrate the fact that you noticed what was happening and commit to continuing to notice. Habits don’t develop overnight and they usually don’t change overnight. But, by building your awareness around how and why your habits developed, and learning concrete ways to move past them, you can be free from the habits that have held you back! I’d love to help you gain clarity around what is driving your habits and guide you in developing a new perspective and forming new habits that are energizing and empowering! Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
As I was looking at the blooms this morning, it got me thinking about how we as humans, just like plants and any other living things, need just the right conditions in which to really come alive.
There have been times when I've been distracted and forgot to water my plants at just the right time. I felt a sense of guilt when it happened – when their soil was dry and their leaves started to droop a bit. But then I would remind myself that a little adversity goes a long way in building character and resilience, and that very few living things in this world have the exact perfect conditions at all times.
Seeing my plants every day is a constant reminder of the necessity for my own personal self-care. They are a visual reminder that living beings need to be nourished and nurtured - each in their own unique way.
Lastly, what aspects of your life make you bloom? What are you doing when you feel like the absolute best version of yourself? What are you passionate about, committed to, and enriched by? What makes you come alive? While we can't control many aspects of our lives, each of us has the ability to work within our own unique situations to create a strong foundation of self-love and self-care, while nurturing the parts of us that make us feel awake, aware, and alive! Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
On some level, we've collectively convinced ourselves that we don't deserve more. We are, in many ways, broken individually, so on a collective level, that broken quality is amplified. We have grown to accept that we have to rush through our lives, numb to what's actually happening around us, zoned out on our devices or in our heads – often wishing time away. We’ve convinced ourselves on a grand scale that this is “life”. Our minds have been programmed to believe that the future is somehow preferable to the present moment - that we need to wait to be happy, content, or fulfilled in our lives. Wait until our mortgages are paid off or we have “more time”. Wait for the next vacation or for the right person to come into our lives - which will definitely be better than any we've experienced in the past, right? As a society, we’re zoned out, tuned out, and living vicariously way too often. The only real control we have in this life is who and how we are within any situation or moment. You can only give to and connect with others at the level at which you’re currently at personally. If you don’t work on building self-awareness and self-acceptance, you have very little to authentically give to friends, family, and your community. It is my belief that it is only by focusing in on personal growth that society can truly change and evolve as a whole. We all know that change is scary. When we start questioning the very foundations that our realities are built on, it can feel overwhelming. Even if we weren’t particularly fulfilled before, at least we were stable. We didn’t have to think about who we were and what we wanted because all the messages had been so deeply ingrained that we stopped feeling like we had options. It has often been easier to stay “asleep”. But, it’s time to wake up! Being awake and aware may initially feel uncomfortable. But with any situation, no matter how big or small, it is completely up to you how you choose to think about and respond to it. Because it is your mindset that determines your emotions, which then inform your actions, and ultimately your reality. Where will you choose to place your attention? Will you continue to accept as fact the constant messages you are being pummeled with? Will you continue to mindlessly accept as truth what your mind and the media tell you? Or will you maybe step back, pause, and dig a little deeper? Will you make a choice to take control of the information that is swirling around you, dictating your reality? Will you make the choice to develop a conscious, empowered, and awake mindset? There is an aspect of you, deep at your core, that is waiting for you to wake up – to see what’s really important, to create a life that is nurturing and deeply fulfilling, to grow in self-awareness and understanding, to be awake to your unlimited potential. Can you feel that you’re being called to evolve into the best version of yourself? Is it time? Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
The Ego is the constructed version of us, rooted in the subconscious part of our mind, that holds tightly to traits and beliefs that we developed when we were little – when we were still very literal and took on the behaviors, beliefs, and traits of the people around us. Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
It washed over me in that instant, as I thought of my brother and sister, the truth of it – that we wouldn’t all have each other forever. Everything will change. Even if it all feels so stable right now. The story of your life, that you have created, will wash away – bit by bit or all at once. With my body filled with emotion, that awareness extended outward to include all my family, friends, acquaintances, and beyond. I realized that I will never see some of these people again before one of us passes away. I know that may come across as being a somewhat morbid thought. But that realization actually had profoundly poignant emotions attached to it. Yes, I cried in those short moments; I felt actual pain; I grieved. And then I let it pass. I resisted the urge to cling to what is, to fight against the unfairness, to resist this indisputable knowledge that all that we know, all that we are, will come to pass. In the face of “upsetting” thoughts and strong emotions, it is our natural human tendency to want to avoid the pain, at all costs. We tend to clench tight, close up, and find a way to suppress it or distract ourselves from what we’re experiencing. But instead, in those few brief moments, I let myself feel it: the fear, the sadness, the deep sorrow. I allowed myself to take in the glimpses of regret. And after those passed, what remained was a deep feeling of peace – because there’s still time! And the time is now! Why are we living as though we’re just passing through? Or that it’s not a guaranteed reality that we will all die. We’re collecting experiences and memories and things, but are we truly living? From our most connected and emotionally healed part of us? We work so hard on maintaining our limiting beliefs and counterproductive habits and ways of thinking. Imagine if we took all that energy and invested it instead into learning how to:
So, learn from death - let it become a central part of your living. Don’t leave behind regrets. Live this one life that you have to its fullest potential! After having this beautiful, heart-opening experience, I made myself a promise. Each time I share a hug with someone from this point forward it is going to reflect the deep and humbling knowledge that it may be the last time that I get to hug this particular soul. What would you do if you knew this was your last week on earth? What would you want to say or do to let the people in your life know how deeply you care? Don’t wait – find a way to develop those deeper connections now. You’ll never regret it. Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
Luckily, because I’ve been noticing and working on this pattern for some time, it was easier for me to catch that automatic thought and challenge it. Immediately, I thought, “wait a minute!” I reminded myself that this is exactly what I want to do more of and exactly what I have experience, skill, and passion doing – and I am confident in it! And yet, even in that situation, one that was so perfectly aligned with who I am, my core values, and the goals I have set for myself – my lightning-quick automatic thought process went to “don’t agree; don’t risk it; stay small!” Protection mode – if we don’t dare to do things that may challenge us, we can’t get hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, or any other emotion or experience we may fear. I know I’m not alone in this and I realized once again how deeply ingrained these types of reactions really are. If it happened in that ideal situation, how often does it happen in our daily lives that we don’t catch it? Especially when it comes to situations that are new or different? How often are we avoiding being challenged, avoiding trying new things, or avoiding putting ourselves in situations where we may experience vulnerability? We have so many outdated “scripts”, old stories that are running in the background of our minds, based on our upbringing and earliest experiences. If we haven't done the work necessary to recognize, challenge or change them, they are calling the shots, running the show, dictating our perception, and essentially, making choices for us. Over time, if we lack the self-awareness needed to fully see this, we tend to turn these tendencies into personality or character traits (“oh, that’s just how I am”), when that is not accurate at all. Rather, they are defense mechanisms, put into place at a time in our lives when we had limited life experience and limited coping strategies. They then became a “story” we told, and continue to tell, ourselves and others – we believed them so they were “true”. When we learn to slow down and drop in on, and check out those automatic reactions, we can learn about the messages attached to them. Messages that likely have some aspect of vulnerability embedded within them depending on what our young brains accepted as fact, in childhood and adolescence – that then became our “story”. We constantly put labels and limitations on ourselves: “I’m capable of “this”, but not “that”, “I am “this”, but not “that”.” Let’s use as an example, a belief someone has that they are not funny. It is a story they may have told themselves, based on messages or experiences they encountered when they were young that made it, for whatever reason, not feel “safe” to be funny. Perhaps as a child they told their father a joke and his response was, “that’s not funny”. If their father was an important person in their life, and they wanted his affection and approval, that very simple statement likely carried an emotional impact. Then maybe their father, or perhaps even an older sibling, made a similar statement on another occasion. It touched on that same emotion from the first time it happened and their brain became trained to seek out supporting evidence to further prove, “I’m not funny”. By “safe”, I don’t mean on a physical level (unless there was an abusive situation), but emotionally. As children, we try to avoid overwhelming emotions like sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, and shame. So, we change ourselves in certain ways to avoid experiencing these emotions (i.e. we stop telling jokes or trying to be funny so that we do not get criticized or negatively judged by the people we care about.) Once we become aware of the stories that are running in our minds, dictating our here and now experiences, we become empowered! Because only then can change, that is based on conscious, present-moment, heart-guided information, happen. This is one of the biggest reasons why people struggle with creating, sticking with, and achieving goals, or forming new habits. They often don’t have a solid basis of understanding their ingrained tendencies, their conditioned responses, and the underlying limiting beliefs that form the foundation from which they are living their lives. One of the primary areas I focus on in life coaching sessions is self-awareness. It is such a broad term that I’m sure people interpret it in many different ways. And it actually does mean different things. It can relate to “mindful presence” – being able to tap into a deeper, more attuned quality of life. But in order to achieve this, there must be a level of understanding of our core. It is from a place of deep self-awareness (understanding the process of how our conditioned thoughts and beliefs impact our emotions, which then impact everything else), that we can change and transform. We are not our thoughts, not our beliefs or stories. It is liberating to know that once we have this realization, once we understand why we developed certain beliefs or traits, and how they may still be holding us back or limiting our potential, we can choose to take control. Ask yourself if a certain belief or way of thinking feels authentically true or right to you as the person you are now. Basically, is it still working for you? If not, you have the ability to re-create yourself to be the person you want to be now. When you can change your perception, you truly can change your life experience! Check out Six-Session Coaching Programs that blend comprehensive online resources and six 1:1 coaching sessions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator |
