When we have a strong emotional reaction to something, we tend to focus in on what has happened. We think it's what is causing us to feel the way we do.
Something in the present moment, something someone has said or done, has touched on a painful program within you. Some common core wounds from childhood include: "I'm not worthy, wanted, or loved", "I'm bad, wrong, defective", "I'm a burden, a problem", "I'm unimportant or not good enough", just to name a few.
What's behind your REACTIONS? What is in there – what old beliefs, what old emotional wounds, what lies and distortions, what “garbage”?
If you didn’t have old emotional wounds inside of you, nothing anyone said or did would impact you. It's a good indication that an old emotional wound has been reopened when your reaction to a situation is out of proportion to what's happened. Often, in retrospect, we'll be the first to say, "Wow, I don't why I got that upset over something so small!"
And here's the thing - life will continue to bring you opportunities, whether you like it or not, to bring up and release the pain that you’ve stored inside. In order to heal your emotional wounds, you have to be willing to feel what is painful, instead of pushing it down, avoiding it, or distracting yourself from it. Go into it – soften – allow it to be there. Let yourself feel it. With practice, you can start to recognize when an old core belief from the past has been triggered that is driving your reactions. You can see the patterns that have developed throughout your life that are now limiting and destructive. You can even start to name it when you see it rise up - "there is the "I'm not lovable" story", for example. It can be difficult to release that old, painful energy that’s been stored and accumulated inside. But your happiness and well-being count on you being willing to recognize what is happening and committing to feeling your full range of emotions. Check out Emotional Mastery: Cultivating Ease + Equilibrium - a unique interactive four-session 1:1 Coaching Program that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality. AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
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But the problem is, the emotion doesn't just go away. It's still there, just beneath the surface, ready to spring into action the next time it gets triggered.
Often, our emotions contain important messages – they tell us so much when we're willing to listen to them. When we ignore them, we experience higher levels of stress, anxiety, and general discontent. A key characteristic of developing Emotional Mastery is being able to create a deliberate pause between impulse (what you feel) and response (ways you typically avoid the feeling). What if instead, you could simply sit with the emotion – allowing a space for it and just noticing it, while resisting the urge to act? When we can practice noticing and allowing our emotions, we experience a choice point. As much as it may not seem like it at times, we can choose in that moment to stay with what we're feeling and not run away from it.
We can practice having those sensations and not getting swept away by them. We can practice putting a bit of distance between our core self and the thoughts and emotions we are experiencing. Practicing allowing your full range of emotions is not only brave, but so healthy. And the ironic part is that when we accept what we feel and allow it be there, instead of running and hiding from it, the feeling passes all on its own.
Go easy on yourself and be sure to ask for support from friends, family, or a professional if challenging emotions start to feel overwhelming. Self-compassion and healthy self-care are key components in navigating through emotions. Be good to you! *Please note that one size does not fit all and those who have mental health diagnoses or challenges in which their emotions are significantly debilitating may struggle with doing this practice. Often, it is not because of lack of effort, but that sitting with discomfort is simply beyond the scope of what they are able to manage on their own. In these cases, seeking help and support from a trained professional may be helpful. Check out a new and unique Coaching Program, blending psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality - Emotional Mastery: Cultivating Ease + Equilibrium AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
Our adult, rational, present-moment mind can make all kinds of logical statements:
Exploring your upbringing and earliest experience of life is not, in any way, meant to blame, shame, or point fingers at the people who raised you. Just as each of us is doing the best we can in this moment, with the level of self-awareness and emotional well-being we have, so were they.
By building our level of insight into the programming of our past, it opens up the opportunity for emotional healing in the present-moment. We explore childhood conditioning to understand the wiring that took place back then that is dictating your current life experience. So, instead of causing resentment and judgment, it actually has the potential to raise our level of self-compassion and empathy for others. Our core beliefs formed in childhood. When we think of beliefs, it's often the conscious ones that come to mind, like, “I believe in God” or “I believe that people should be good to one another”. Those make up a tiny percentage of our overall beliefs. Much deeper are the subconscious beliefs that dictate how you see yourself and interpret what happens around you – beliefs that are basically creating your reality.
You internalized all the messaging (verbal, non-verbal, energetic) and turned it all into a story, a type of Life Script, that helped you make sense of the world and stay safe within it. The problem with the story we wrote is that it's based on faulty information. We were trying to learn to navigate the world; we needed to figure out where we fit. Along with what was said to us directly, through verbal messaging, we also interpreted everything we saw and heard. Our mind told stories and connected dots that were often just not true. Your child-mind was in programming mode, with a brainwave pattern that allowed information to be "downloaded". As children, we are sponges. And we are self-involved. We have to be. We relate everything back to ourselves – "what does this mean for and about ME?” Every experience was filtered through that lens and conclusions were reached that were often inaccurate and painful.
Your emotional programming determines how you feel about, express, process, and experience emotions. In childhood, you watched how important adults to you handled their emotions. You grew to understand which emotions were okay to have and express, and which ones weren’t okay. You also decided how you FELT about emotions in general. Were they something to avoid, did they mean you were weak or needy? Did you believe you were you responsible for how others felt? Were emotions embraced, accepted, and openly discussed? It’s the blueprint you would have taken on as a “how-to” when it comes to emotions. If I had to guess, I would say that, like me, that “how-to” blueprint stopped working for you a long time ago. By doing self-work, you can uncover the subconscious wiring + programming you have around emotions. And by working with your emotional triggers (we all have them – big + small!) you can make the switch from habitually reacting to your emotions to intentionally responding to what is happening in the present-moment. Check out Emotional Mastery: Cultivating Ease + Equilibrium - a unique interactive four-session 1:1 Coaching Program that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality. AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
The more we focus on scary or upsetting things that are beyond our control, it just makes sense that we will feel more anxious. It can make us feel powerless and it puts our nervous system on high alert. It then gets stuck there as worried thinking takes over.
It took on the job of planning, plotting things out, imagining worst-case scenarios – always wanting to feel prepared for what may come. It is constantly looking for a sense of safety and sometimes worrying meets that need. You’ve given your mind something to do – to dwell and guess what comes next. But your mind can’t figure things out – that’s not possible. The mind is simply pulling from what it knows, what it has conditioned and programmed into it, and adding on some of what is actually going on. It will then start making up stories about what the future holds.
But that would be like saying you are intentionally beating your heart, digesting your food, or healing the cut on your hand. All these things are happening to you, but it’s not because you’re intentionally directing them. It is the exact same thing with worried thinking. It is happening TO you. We cause suffering for ourselves when we allow our habit of worry to go unchecked. We rob ourselves of the peace that actually exists in the present moment. And we live out our worst fears in our minds, causing us to experience the very thing we’re worried about, or even terrified of, experiencing.
Worry can range from feeling uncomfortable to being debilitating. If you allow yourself to stay in a state of stress, with stress hormones pumping through your body, it negatively impacts every system that is vital to your health and well-being. And beyond that, you can’t feel love, joy, or a healthy connection with others when your mind is in survival mode. It’s just not possible. People often say that they know it’s not helpful to worry but that they can’t stop. You can! It’s a choice. But that’s not to say it’s not a difficult habit to break. You are pulling away a barrier, a defense mechanism you have likely used for a long time to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Ask yourself, “do I want to continue to let my nervous system be negatively impacted in this way?” When your body is in stress-mode (which is what is happening when you worry), you remain in survival mode. Your body is on high alert, meaning it is unable to move to “Rest + Digest” mode or do all the things that keep us healthy. What can you do when you notice yourself falling into worry? First, try to acknowledge that it is your mind doing what a mind does. Remind yourself that it can't figure out the future. It will just tell scary stories in an effort to prepare you for the worst.
Getting caught up in a cycle of worry keeps us trapped in survival mode and limits our ability to experience positive emotions, like joy, hopefulness, confidence, enthusiasm, and more. Worry is not who you are - it is just a habit that keeps you stuck. You CAN make changes that will allow you to feel more peace of mind and a heightened sense of wellbeing! Ready to take control of worry? Check out a new and unique Coaching Program, blending psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality - Emotional Mastery: Cultivating Ease + Equilibrium Blog post on how to sit with uncomfortable emotions: Changing Your Perspective on Difficult Emotions AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
It would seem that we have collectively convinced ourselves and one another that the future, which exists only in our mind, will be so much better than the present moment. It’s a mind-trap! It keeps our attention and focus trapped on the level of thinking and we’re missing out on fully living our life in the moment.
You can imagine what you might want and how you might feel in this imagined future, based on who you are at this exact moment in time. But that version of “you” in the future will not be the same version of “you” in this moment. You will have gone through things between now and then. You will have gained new insights and will likely have experienced a shift in your core values. You may have different people, different situations, and different priorities in your life. You will have faced challenges and perhaps encountered loss. Everything you know today could change tomorrow - in any one of a million ways.
The mind is trying to be helpful, to provide stability and help you feel prepared to face whatever may come. And to stay safe in the process. That is the main job our mind has – to ensure our survival. But, it can’t possibly imagine who or how you will be next year because it has no idea what you will go through and encounter between now and then.
You can remain flexible with what comes your way and practice acceptance for that which is beyond your control. You can venture outside your comfort zone and try new things. You can set an intention on who you want to BE, rather than what you want to do and have, and allow that to act as a guiding force. And you can practice tapping into your emotions. If you are feeling joyful, excited, loving, enthusiastic, or peaceful – it’s a pretty good indication that you’re on the right track. Our emotions can act as messengers. When you experience anxiety and worry, it is a clear message that you are caught up in your thinking and out of the present moment. Return again and again to being present, to gratitude + appreciation, to acceptance, and to living in a way that feels authentic to you.
When your energy and focus is on the future, on wanting what you don’t currently have, it can’t be used to create what you actually want to have, do, and be. Your future self will thank you for taking the time to invest in your present-moment self. Providing 1:1 coaching that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality - learn more AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
We have a tendency to judge ourselves as being Not Good Enough, which affects our relationship with ourselves, others, and the world around us. Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly judging what is happening around and within us. And many times, it is this messaging – Not Good Enough – that acts as a driving force. It’s an evolutionary thing. We are wired to feel an urge for “more”. This has the potential to be interpreted as being selfish or greedy, but it’s really not. It’s part of being human – that drive is there to ensure your survival. We become discontent with what we have – what is familiar – and feel a pull to seek out something more, something different. If we were to become complacent, we would stop growing, evolving, and experiencing. We would miss out of having a rich + full human experience.
100,000 years ago this ensured our ancestors' survival and we have inherited that same wiring. Only now, instead of comparing ourselves to small groups, we are connected worldwide. So, of course someone is always going to be doing “better” than you – it is inevitable. But the part of your mind that is doing the judging doesn’t know that. I have heard lack of self-acceptance described as an epidemic and as a Coach I definitely agree. We focus on all that we perceive as wrong or lacking with us and discount all of our wonderful qualities and experiences. Knowing this, that “Not Good Enough” is part of the natural wiring in your mind, helps to build awareness and remove shame and judgment. Going through life with a “Not Good Enough” viewpoint/outlook is only a “bad” thing when you are unconscious to it, when you are being dragged along by your urges for more and your beliefs about what they mean. We are here to experience things, to identify our preferences and to CREATE, to draw more to us. But when we are doing it as a way to make us “feel better”, we are going to suffer. Nothing external to us can “make” us feel anything. It’s an inside job. Once you are able to see this more clearly, the messaging that you are Not Good Enough won’t pack quite the same punch. Providing 1:1 coaching that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality - learn more AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
So, I took a literal leap of faith. I left the comfort of “stability” – or at least knowing what to expect – and leapt. My final day of work was exactly four months after I had this very simple, and yet very powerful, realization: “I don’t have to do this anymore.”
In that moment, I saw clearly that I had been stuck in a story of my own making. I had felt stuck and powerless, telling myself that I needed to earn the exact salary I was making, that what was happening was “unfair” and “wrong”, that I shouldn’t have to be the one to leave, that I had no other options, and on and on. That simple realization – "I don’t have to do this anymore" – shifted something deep inside of me. I looked back at other difficult and painful experiences in my life and realized that each one of them came with their own opportunities to grow and heal. In that moment I saw that there would be a time when I would look back on that terrible three-year period and be grateful for it.
Looking back, I saw how much I had to stuff down in order to stay as long as I did. And just as I suspected, I quickly became so grateful that things got as bad as they did. They had to. Otherwise, I would have listened to the stories my mind was telling me and continued to settle. I would have stayed and missed out on the incredible insights and healing I’ve experienced since then.
My faith has grown so substantially since taking that terrifying leap. I feel guided by Life and trust that I don’t have to have it all figured out. All the fears my mind told me – “you’ll lose everything!”, “you’ll regret it!”, and on and on turned out not to be true. I continue to be financially independent even though I haven’t had a regular pay cheque in 2.5 years and I have not regretted my decision for even a second. I allow myself to be pulled to opportunities that feel meant for me and release those that are not. I feel like I am in the flow of Life and I am so grateful that I did not allow fear to hold me back.
Just know that your mind will fight to keep you where you are. It wants you safe and safe, to the mind, equals familiar. It will tell you stories, just like mine did, just like all minds do. It will send scary images and sensations. It will convince you that the future is a scary place and that the risk is just not worth it. I am here to say, based on my experiences of Life, that it is. It is worth the uncertainty, worth feeling those scary fears and feelings and making the change anyway. Where there is fear on one side, just know that there is freedom on the other side. Providing 1:1 coaching that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality - learn more AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
Years ago, I remember a family member saying some version of "don't get your hopes up" when I was excited about a potential job opportunity. And I can bet that I had also said similar messages, both to myself and others at some point in my life. But when I heard that message that particular time, something really clicked in me. I remember thinking, “what’s the worst that can happen? I can get excited, get my hopes up, and I don’t get the job. But at least I would have gotten to experience positive emotions in the meantime.”
Since having that realization years ago, I made a commitment to allow myself to get excited and be hopeful, even if there is a chance that whatever it is that I am excited about may not happen.
By "perfect", I don’t mean that in a “positive/all good” kind of way. Instead, when I think of perfect, to me it means that whatever I am experiencing is in perfect alignment with what I am meant to experience in a particular snapshot in time. Even if it is not something I have consciously chosen. Even if it is difficult. It is a deep realization that we often cannot see the big picture to really know what is "good" or "bad" in any given situation.
In this way, you can experience life with a deeper level of clarify, purpose, and enjoyment. You can get excited about the potential of things unfolding without worrying that you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Visit Homepage for more information on my unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality. AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
I learned so much from her during our time together, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that I would continue learning from her even after she passed. And what I witnessed, more clearly than ever, is that our mind, as well-meaning as it is, often can’t be trusted. And, in fact, contributes to our suffering. In the days leading up to what I feared was the end, I was completely lost in my sadness and feeling every possible emotion. When I went to bed on the day that she passed, as the tears fell, I felt a shift happen. I realized that I could get lost in the pain of losing her in physical form, or I could focus on the love and joy that we shared. I realized that nothing “bad” had happened. She had a beautiful life and a beautiful passing. I realized that by focusing on the love instead of the loss, it would allow me to connect with her in even deeper ways. In that moment, I committed to grieving in a way that honored the love and good times we had. I thought of others who are still hurting years after losing someone. And I knew that I wanted to feel happiness when I thought of her because that is what she brought into my life. I decided that I would not resist any part of the experience and dropped the expectations around how I “should” feel and act. Over the next few days, I started watching my thinking. My mind tried to tell me that the pain would be too much to bear – that I should avoid it. Because of the work I do as a Coach, I knew that if I listened to that thought and avoided what I was feeling it would reinforce in the brain that it is a helpful reaction. That part of your mind is like a machine – it doesn’t reason or see the bigger picture in what is in your best interests. It knows what it has been conditioned to know, what it has had programmed into it. But it doesn’t know what it takes to heal. It just knows what band-aid to stick on to stop the bleeding. I was shocked by the messages that came from my mind in the weeks following her passing. At one point I noticed how clean my house was and how much space there was when I removed her beds, etc. I then watched as my mind jumped in to shame me with thoughts like, “you don’t care, you don’t miss her, you’re glad she’s gone!” I watched as my mind told me all kinds of stories – going in different directions, contradicting itself, encouraging “clinging + grasping”, and trying to dictate how I felt. When I felt sad, lost, and lonely, I let myself feel it, embracing it fully. And when I felt at peace, strong, and optimistic, I let myself feel that too. Even though my mind once again tried to shame me for it. When I had the thought that I was excited to create a new normal, my mind yelled, “Excited?! You didn’t love her! What’s wrong with you?” It made me see why people struggle and suffer so much when it comes to loss or having to let someone or something go. Your mind is trying to make sense of the dramatic change, so it comes up with all kinds of stories. Letting go is so difficult for the mind. It is attached to what is familiar, to the safety and security of what it knows – what is familiar and the routine that goes along with it. It doesn’t know that the situation is beyond your control and that you can’t change it. So, it seems to try to make sense of it all by making up stories, throwing out all kinds of unhelpful suggestions, encouraging you to dwell on it, and making predictions about how you’ll feel in the future (“I’ll never get over this. My heart is broken.”) With practice, you can more easily accept whatever situation you find yourself in, including those of loss. The concept of radical acceptance has been so helpful to me over the years. At times when things are feeling so far out of our control, our natural human tendency is to resist. Our mind will tell us a million stories about why it’s not fair, that it’s terrible, that it shouldn’t be happening, that you can’t handle it, that you’ll never be okay again, and on and on. If we get caught up in that swirling thought-spiral, we are going to suffer twice. We will suffer in the situation that is happening, moment-to-moment, and we will suffer again as our mind replays what is going on, focusing on it, and trying to understand or figure it out. One of the biggest insights I've reached is that it doesn’t have to be sad, beyond the moments of time when sadness is truly the emotion that is coming up. When we listen to the stories our mind tells us that it is “tragic”, “not fair”, “wrong”, etc. we block our healing. When we resist what is, we’re setting ourselves up to suffer. What I saw was that it’s not actually the situation that causes us to feel as though our heart is broken, but our reaction to it. We close our hearts to avoid the emotional pain we are feeling – and that is what hurts. We could be in the exact same situation and if we keep our heart open, focusing on the love we share, allowing the emotions to be there, that pain passes. It’s only when we resist and close up that the pain remains in place. And then our life becomes all about avoiding that pain. So, we keep our heart closed as a way to protect ourselves and not feel discomfort. But that means that our heart is closed to ALL emotions. We can’t selectively choose what we let in and what we keep out. When we’re blocking out emotional pain, we’re also blocking out love, joy, excitement, enthusiasm, hope, and passion. We are so adaptable – when we allow ourselves to be. When our mind doesn’t interfere, telling us all kinds of stories, and encouraging us to avoid any unpleasant, uncomfortable feelings by distracting, numbing, denying, or suppressing. Because the part of your brain that is sending the signals is like a computer – it’s not the rational, logical, conscious part of your mind that knows what’s good for you. It’s primary objective is your safety and it may think you can’t handle those painful emotions. But you can. You’re meant to. It’s when we resist that the painful emotions stick around and keep bothering and upsetting us. When we resist the urge to avoid and instead, practice allowing whatever it is that we’re experiencing to be there, we make room for healing. We cry, we grieve, we miss and we long for – and it’s all okay. It is when we get caught up in a story of “unfair, wrong, unacceptable or unbearable” that it interferes with the grieving process. This is practicing a deep level of awareness and acceptance. We cannot change what is; we cannot wish for something different, or cling to what was. Your mind will tell you that you can’t do it. Maybe it will even shame you, like mine did – telling you that any time you feel a positive emotion you are doing something wrong, bad, or heartless; that any joy or laughter was somehow a betrayal; that you must not have loved as deeply as you thought if you’re willing to move on “so easily”. Stay open to the love you shared, stay open to feeling your full range of emotions and allowing them to pass. Cherish the memories, be grateful for the time you shared, and take the love forward with you. Make self-compassion and self-nurturing your default setting. And don’t fall into the mind trap of thinking something is “wrong” or “missing”. Keep your heart open. Relax + Release – again and again. I’ll leave you with lyrics from a song that I heard on the day that I let Jaz go. “Just let me hurt a little longer. I'm in a war with no armor. Need to cry an ocean before I’m stronger. Used to think that being brave just meant moving on. Now I sink into the pain until it’s all gone.” Visit Homepage for more information on my unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality. AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator
One of the biggest contributing factors to people’s unhappiness is the fact that we believe we should always be “happy”. I think we have all fallen into that trap in our lives. And when we’re coming from that mindset, believing that every emotion other than happiness is unacceptable, we are going to suffer.
We get the message, over and over again – “be happy!” We even ask ourselves the same question: “What’s wrong with me? I should be happy!” We feel like we can’t be happy until things in our external environment line up with how we believe they should be. The story is different for everyone, but may sound something like:
When, in actuality, it is the stories your mind is telling you about those conditions and situations that is causing you to struggle and suffer. The things we search out in the outer world to “make us happy” are fleeting. They tap into that part of our brain that is focused on survival, that is sending messages that what we have is never enough, demanding “more, more, more!”
As for the methods you’ve used to avoid experiencing difficult things, try not to judge yourself. Whether you have used alcohol or exercise, it is simply a pattern that developed because at some point you, innocently, stumbled upon the realization that whatever it was could change how you felt when you were uncomfortable. It is no reflection on who you are at your core.
Our normal and natural tendency is to resist the experience of difficult emotions. We often react automatically and act in ways to numb, avoid, or distract. But, by learning to embrace our full range of human emotions, we remove so much of the suffering in our lives. When we don’t waste our energy wishing away what is, resisting the experience, ignoring or denying, or otherwise avoiding our emotions, they lose their power. By staying with the emotion, we can listen to the message it is bringing to us. We’re meant to be joyful – excited by life! When we listen to our mind telling us that things are NOT the way we want them to be, it shuts down the possibility for joy and pretty much guarantees that we will suffer.
Emotions are simply an invitation to look deeper – to the thoughts and limiting beliefs that trigger them. Each time we react in a habitual way or catch ourselves getting completely swept up in and overwhelmed by our emotions, it is a clear indication that we are caught up in the stories of our mind and believing them to be true. By practicing the ability to sit with our emotions, we are able to see them more clearly. Allowing yourself to experience uncomfortable emotions shows you that they can’t actually hurt you. You will be able to see more deeply, more clearly, that your emotions are being triggered by your mind, which is simply doing what a mind does. It is attaching meaning where there is none, making assumptions based on past experiences. It is well-meaning in trying to keep you safe, but it is ultimately destructive and limiting.
When we no longer need life, and the people we share it with, to line up perfectly with our inner wants and needs, we are liberated. Visit Homepage for more information on my unique coaching approach that blends psychology, brain-science, and elements of spirituality. AuthorLearn more about Bobbi Beuree, Halifax-based Coach + Facilitator |
